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Back to three lunatics and a paladin.
Dramatis Personae:
Viepuck, noble-annoying brat with a boss
Izgil, the moonlight guy
Celyn, who thought "well, that happened" about a lot of terrible things honestly
Robin, who needs a vacation
When we left off we had done a bit of cleanup in Peydon and were getting ready to deal with larger events.
( So we actually managed to get a night's sleep. )
Dramatis Personae:
Viepuck, noble-annoying brat with a boss
Izgil, the moonlight guy
Celyn, who thought "well, that happened" about a lot of terrible things honestly
Robin, who needs a vacation
When we left off we had done a bit of cleanup in Peydon and were getting ready to deal with larger events.
( So we actually managed to get a night's sleep. )
If I told you what this poem was inspired by you would not believe me.
Did you ever wonder if
I was
So desperate
To be found
Beautiful
In the mirror
Of some
Man's
Eyes
Because I could
Not
Imagine
How anyone
Could love
Something shaped
Like this?
Invert
Did you ever wonder if
I was
So desperate
To be found
Beautiful
In the mirror
Of some
Man's
Eyes
Because I could
Not
Imagine
How anyone
Could love
Something shaped
Like this?
Tags:
Late
Before you say
You are too old to change,
Listen:
Some of these new hairs
Are already
Silver
It is never too late
To climb out
Of your grave.
Tags:
Tags:
One of these days the ones that I've been orbiting for ages will unstick but until then there is this.
I asked the fish
How much water
To put in the Klein bottle
And it said
"I don't know anything about water"—
Likewise
I don't know
Which of my bones
Is a problem and
My skin has always been there.
The silvered glass retains its ghosts.
Dead men tell no tales.
So too the unborn.
Eidolon
I asked the fish
How much water
To put in the Klein bottle
And it said
"I don't know anything about water"—
Likewise
I don't know
Which of my bones
Is a problem and
My skin has always been there.
The silvered glass retains its ghosts.
Dead men tell no tales.
So too the unborn.
Tags:
Short roleplay-focused session today before a longish break before we found more schedule space.
Dramatis Personae:
Izgil, who is mostly engaged in a research project due to player absence
Viepuck, who is intermittently cosplaying a villain
Celyn, who is having a very long day
Robin, who is out of patience
When we left off we had killed the Hag, though there were consequences to doing so.
( So we dug out of the lair. )
Dramatis Personae:
Izgil, who is mostly engaged in a research project due to player absence
Viepuck, who is intermittently cosplaying a villain
Celyn, who is having a very long day
Robin, who is out of patience
When we left off we had killed the Hag, though there were consequences to doing so.
( So we dug out of the lair. )
Latum
That which cannot be carried
Weights
Waits
Wears down the flesh of will
For a season,
Another season,
A knife-edge infinity of endurance.
(It cannot be "tuli"
The problem is in the progressive.)
Dramatis Personae:
Viepuck: department of illusions and telepathy
Izgil: department of magical analysis and minor questionable decisions
Celyn: department of faith in his god and also major questionable decisions
Robin: extremely upset about these questionable decisions
When we left off we were having a dispute with a Hag about ownership of surveillance technology.
( We would change the nature of this dispute. )
Viepuck: department of illusions and telepathy
Izgil: department of magical analysis and minor questionable decisions
Celyn: department of faith in his god and also major questionable decisions
Robin: extremely upset about these questionable decisions
When we left off we were having a dispute with a Hag about ownership of surveillance technology.
( We would change the nature of this dispute. )
Note added after writing like half of this: This is way the fuck more stream of consciousness than usual, I am not capable of getting these thoughts into a sensible order, I am going to settle for getting them out of my brain where I can look at them.
Something that comes up in my brain every so often is that, culturally speaking, the only trans experience that is regularly acknowledged to exist is transfeminine. There are a lot of consequences of this, all of them bad. (Targeting/demonization of trans women: very bad. Invisiblizing/infantilization of trans men: also very bad.)
( I already know this is gonna get long so let's just cut now. )
Something that comes up in my brain every so often is that, culturally speaking, the only trans experience that is regularly acknowledged to exist is transfeminine. There are a lot of consequences of this, all of them bad. (Targeting/demonization of trans women: very bad. Invisiblizing/infantilization of trans men: also very bad.)
( I already know this is gonna get long so let's just cut now. )
Weben
What wrenching darkness drove you
To sing
The world
Into being
To make a place to shine?
And how do I wring
Myself
Unshapeless
And voice creation's song?
Tags:
Bearing
Their eyes ask why
Come out of the cave
If I could
Hibernate
Until there is light
But—
They never felt
The closet's steel jaws
Tasting blood,
And
Silence
Which is—
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Honestly, what I really mean is Hegemon Is A Vector (and Gender is a component thereof, necessary but not sufficient).
(Also I am well aware that I need to actually read de Beauvoir. I have not.)
The thing is - okay this is straight-up de Beauvoir as I understand her but keep in mind that I have not actually fucking read her - that people go on about two genders but culturally speaking there's basically one and nobody has it.
The One Legitimate Gender is Hegemon/Man, and because everyone falls short of that there is a constant opportunity to leverage insecurity due to Insufficient Masculinity on the part of man-categoried people for fun, profit, and disruption, and the categories of people who are Non-Men (de Beauvoir again) are variously sorted depending on what is most convenient for the people who are currently pulling the levers on the Insufficient Masculinity Insecurity Machine.
So there are sort of three broad semi-permeable categories, because certain types of Non-Men can aspire to merely be Insufficiently Masculine if they get their hands on the levers of the Insecurity Machine; any individual trait can be disqualifying on Man but if the power flows shift just so then it might not matter. (Consider the number of mainstream cis gay men who, having attained Man status despite being Insufficiently Masculine (like everyone else), proceed to give the ladder a good yank so none of the effeminate queer men, the divas, the trans people, the kinky queers, etc. can make it into the Insufficiently Masculine Man box.)
The whole damn thing is a hob's game that keeps the people who think they can climb the glass pyramid of masculinity by using Non-Men as stepping stones, including by declaring certain forms of Insufficient Masculinity as qualifying for Non-Men status, busy eating each other and also the rest of us.
Hegemon/Man is an arrow that goes in one direction, a greased pole that nobody can actually climb to the top of. It's built that way. And security is framed in terms of whether or not one can climb the pole, with some people not allowed to even try.
(World made of levers, said Tyl.)
(Also I am well aware that I need to actually read de Beauvoir. I have not.)
The thing is - okay this is straight-up de Beauvoir as I understand her but keep in mind that I have not actually fucking read her - that people go on about two genders but culturally speaking there's basically one and nobody has it.
The One Legitimate Gender is Hegemon/Man, and because everyone falls short of that there is a constant opportunity to leverage insecurity due to Insufficient Masculinity on the part of man-categoried people for fun, profit, and disruption, and the categories of people who are Non-Men (de Beauvoir again) are variously sorted depending on what is most convenient for the people who are currently pulling the levers on the Insufficient Masculinity Insecurity Machine.
So there are sort of three broad semi-permeable categories, because certain types of Non-Men can aspire to merely be Insufficiently Masculine if they get their hands on the levers of the Insecurity Machine; any individual trait can be disqualifying on Man but if the power flows shift just so then it might not matter. (Consider the number of mainstream cis gay men who, having attained Man status despite being Insufficiently Masculine (like everyone else), proceed to give the ladder a good yank so none of the effeminate queer men, the divas, the trans people, the kinky queers, etc. can make it into the Insufficiently Masculine Man box.)
The whole damn thing is a hob's game that keeps the people who think they can climb the glass pyramid of masculinity by using Non-Men as stepping stones, including by declaring certain forms of Insufficient Masculinity as qualifying for Non-Men status, busy eating each other and also the rest of us.
Hegemon/Man is an arrow that goes in one direction, a greased pole that nobody can actually climb to the top of. It's built that way. And security is framed in terms of whether or not one can climb the pole, with some people not allowed to even try.
(World made of levers, said Tyl.)
Tags:
Tags:
Three lunatics and a paladin, once more.
Dramatis Personae:
Viepuck, twelve-year-old social deception gremlin
Izgil, here for the magical theory
Celyn, who is actually to the point of getting cranky about events happening all the damn time
Robin, the paladin
When we left off we had just chased a bear fey off but not killed him and were kind of in our feelings about that.
(Doing my best to do writeup despite hideous splitting headache.)
( So in the aftermath of that... )
Dramatis Personae:
Viepuck, twelve-year-old social deception gremlin
Izgil, here for the magical theory
Celyn, who is actually to the point of getting cranky about events happening all the damn time
Robin, the paladin
When we left off we had just chased a bear fey off but not killed him and were kind of in our feelings about that.
(Doing my best to do writeup despite hideous splitting headache.)
( So in the aftermath of that... )
Are
a) not to get covid for it
and
b) I ordered myself some new chirp wheels so I could do even more productive rearrangement to my vertebrae
Look, for once I did this post not hideously cryptically!
a) not to get covid for it
and
b) I ordered myself some new chirp wheels so I could do even more productive rearrangement to my vertebrae
Look, for once I did this post not hideously cryptically!
Tags:
(Title is a riff on Black Tie by Grace Petrie, who is younger than me but not so much so that that's not a gutpunch of a song.)
( I have been thinking a lot about the 90s, and the horrors which persist. )
( I have been thinking a lot about the 90s, and the horrors which persist. )
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Again we didn't manage to do a lot of things in email in advance of the situation.
Dramatis Personae:
Viepuck, Speaker-to-Luggage, and his familiar Es*tiaslos
Izgil, mooning about as usual
Celyn, who did not get enough stabbing in
Robin, who had a really rough couple of days, and his companion/mount Greymalkin
When we left off, we were escorting a troupe of Tyrwinghans to safety southwards through the territory of the Hunter, a fey with the back end of a bear and the top half of a human who has been abducting people, particularly Tyrwinghans as it happens.
( We don't like that. We would like it to stop. )
Dramatis Personae:
Viepuck, Speaker-to-Luggage, and his familiar Es*tiaslos
Izgil, mooning about as usual
Celyn, who did not get enough stabbing in
Robin, who had a really rough couple of days, and his companion/mount Greymalkin
When we left off, we were escorting a troupe of Tyrwinghans to safety southwards through the territory of the Hunter, a fey with the back end of a bear and the top half of a human who has been abducting people, particularly Tyrwinghans as it happens.
( We don't like that. We would like it to stop. )
I was talking with my friend Vic at the music school the other day - since he's one of the desk folks, our hangouts are punctuated with him having to answer the phone every so often, and the way he shifts into that...
... masking is a hell of a thing. If I say "customer service voice" you know what I mean, but there's also a particular register that's involved that's actually really complicated for me emotionally, but in ways that I did not actually notice before I was taking voice lessons.
My normal speaking voice resonates in my chest. (I think a lot about Heather Alexander, actually, who had a very deep speaking voice; I spent my twenties or so delighted by a female professional musician who had a deeper voice than I did. Of course, now that person is Alexander James Adams, and I'm me, and the irony runs even deeper. I wonder how much of the depth of preferred voice there has to do with gender.) When I'm relaxed, when I'm comfortable, when I feel safe, it stays there.
As soon as I start masking, I go into customer service voice (lite): my pitch goes up by at least a fifth, the resonance goes from chest to pharynx (full customer service voice gets more into my sinuses), the entire thing becomes artifice. There's some of this tonal shift that is, in my opinion, part of the intrinsic performance expected of people-classed-female; there's a register that we're allowed to use. It's not natural to me, but it's reflex, a policed reaction that has become automatic for safety.
(Other things I ponder sometimes: I was visiting a friend and we were both too crispy to do much more than collapse in the same space and occasionally have brief conversational exchanges that mostly I initiated. But all in natural register. Another friend came home, and he's very outgoing and chatty, and I am pretty sure I swapped into performance/masking mode in order to muster the capacity to engage with that, I think complete with register shift. I am also pretty sure the first friend spotted something happening with the swap; I caught a fascinating expression in there, heh.)
I think most of the heavy masking I do involves this, the register shift up into ladyvoice.
And the thing about that is that aside from the masking, that's a register I hate speaking in. I notice myself cringing when I do it, particularly if I do it at any volume. And the thing that gets in the music lessons part is—
—early on in my voice lessons Rob was trying to get me to get a handle on a particular mixed-voice register and described it as "imagine you're trying to shout 'hey!' to a friend across a field" and I realized oh. I hate that. I don't want my voice to go there. That's the place where my voice sounds wrong to me. (We have done a lot of work on my mixed register, for the record, and I no longer cringe singing it. Still can't abide speaking in it without having the ughs.)
So not only is masking mode exhausting because I have to cosplay a socially competent human being, but the automatic register shift plonks me straight into I Am Simulating A Normal Suburban Female, Please Do Not Report My Deviances To Your Planetary Overlords.
Humaning. It's exhausting.
Vic agrees with me about the dysphoria of customer service voice.
(Interestingly to me, when I'm playing Celyn, I tend to use an even lighter register than that, much more into head range. But that's just how he is, the tenacious hope gremlin. I've noticed that M uses a deeper register for Izgil than his natural speaking voice. Characters is Different.)
... masking is a hell of a thing. If I say "customer service voice" you know what I mean, but there's also a particular register that's involved that's actually really complicated for me emotionally, but in ways that I did not actually notice before I was taking voice lessons.
My normal speaking voice resonates in my chest. (I think a lot about Heather Alexander, actually, who had a very deep speaking voice; I spent my twenties or so delighted by a female professional musician who had a deeper voice than I did. Of course, now that person is Alexander James Adams, and I'm me, and the irony runs even deeper. I wonder how much of the depth of preferred voice there has to do with gender.) When I'm relaxed, when I'm comfortable, when I feel safe, it stays there.
As soon as I start masking, I go into customer service voice (lite): my pitch goes up by at least a fifth, the resonance goes from chest to pharynx (full customer service voice gets more into my sinuses), the entire thing becomes artifice. There's some of this tonal shift that is, in my opinion, part of the intrinsic performance expected of people-classed-female; there's a register that we're allowed to use. It's not natural to me, but it's reflex, a policed reaction that has become automatic for safety.
(Other things I ponder sometimes: I was visiting a friend and we were both too crispy to do much more than collapse in the same space and occasionally have brief conversational exchanges that mostly I initiated. But all in natural register. Another friend came home, and he's very outgoing and chatty, and I am pretty sure I swapped into performance/masking mode in order to muster the capacity to engage with that, I think complete with register shift. I am also pretty sure the first friend spotted something happening with the swap; I caught a fascinating expression in there, heh.)
I think most of the heavy masking I do involves this, the register shift up into ladyvoice.
And the thing about that is that aside from the masking, that's a register I hate speaking in. I notice myself cringing when I do it, particularly if I do it at any volume. And the thing that gets in the music lessons part is—
—early on in my voice lessons Rob was trying to get me to get a handle on a particular mixed-voice register and described it as "imagine you're trying to shout 'hey!' to a friend across a field" and I realized oh. I hate that. I don't want my voice to go there. That's the place where my voice sounds wrong to me. (We have done a lot of work on my mixed register, for the record, and I no longer cringe singing it. Still can't abide speaking in it without having the ughs.)
So not only is masking mode exhausting because I have to cosplay a socially competent human being, but the automatic register shift plonks me straight into I Am Simulating A Normal Suburban Female, Please Do Not Report My Deviances To Your Planetary Overlords.
Humaning. It's exhausting.
Vic agrees with me about the dysphoria of customer service voice.
(Interestingly to me, when I'm playing Celyn, I tend to use an even lighter register than that, much more into head range. But that's just how he is, the tenacious hope gremlin. I've noticed that M uses a deeper register for Izgil than his natural speaking voice. Characters is Different.)
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