State of the Me

[kiya]

I am test-driving a therapist on Tuesday.


(While I do hold a deep fondness for previous shrink, she is in fucking Brookline and I am not.)

New shrink is primarily focused on sexual trauma issues and recovery. She bills herself as very queer-friendly, so there is a better than the standard roulette wheel chance she may not flip out about the poly thing.

I pull cards from my new cartomancy deck and got this fine fellow three times in a row over the course of two days, which I'm taking as "go in aligned, godself has you covered" with a sidebar of "Will you stop fucking asking already?"

Doesn't change the fact that I'm a little shaky on the ground, though. One of the fundamental things I've uncovered is a massive rupture between Fetch and Talker, and trying to address this issue is a necessary step to healing the communication rift.

And that means that Fetch keeps popping up with large lumps of "here is some pain you've been ignoring for some fraction of the last decade and a half, now that you're thinking about listening to me". And I have to be with that, sit with that, because I can't ... shut it down. (I mean I could, but that's what I've been doing the last long while and it's part of why there's so much crud in there to deal with, so I can't. If that makes sense.)

And there are other times I'm pretty much as functional as I default to, where it's not surging at me. And that's as true as the tears.

It is very complicated in my head right now. And dealing with one thing pulls up other things - unrelated ones - but things about stuff that I haven't been paying enough attention to, that I haven't been doing a good job in my, y'know, internal Care of Magical Creatures processing. (Pardon, a loop of my brain is doing Harry Potter processing consistently at the moment for other unrelated, complicated reasons.)

I just ... there is too much. So much too much. Putting things right is hard.

(For those following along at home, this is still Samhain fallout. Of course.)


An interesting song to have come up for this entry, huh.

And it follows it up with Cirque's "Alegría".

Comments

[xiphias.livejournal.com]

Good luck; good process.

[elynne.livejournal.com]

Also sending good process-luck thoughts. And I really like "internal Care of Magical Creatures processing," I may have to borrow it at some point...

[kiya]

It is weirdly appropriate to my theologies in multiple ways!

[sashajwolf.livejournal.com]

I also really like this :-) Good luck with it.

[jenett]

Boy, your playlist is out to get you.

(So was mine, today.)

[kiya]

Didn't you set up yours on purpose?

(What makes this night different from any other night?)

[jenett]

Before that, even! (Yeah, it doesn't count if I set it up, you're right.)

[metahacker.livejournal.com]

Hmm. I wish you well in your progress...

[keshwyn]

Thinking constructive thoughts for you...

[luellon.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

::gives you a hug and comfort food::

Also, yeah.

[leanne-opaskar.livejournal.com]

*hugs* and best wishes for you on Tuesday and on working things out, and hopes for Fetch to at least slow down so you can breathe and process. (: G'luck!

[chinders.livejournal.com]

Yeah, so, for what it's worth, when I was still dealing with trauma and so forth, I talked about it as draining the wound. It's important work, but it is fucking painful. Hugs if you like.

urgh

[graydon saunders (from livejournal.com)]

Very best of luck with the therapist.

Putting things right, is, in a bunch of senses, impossible. We can never be who we would have been if it hadn't happened.

What I find more useful is to look at it the way emergency responders are supposed to look at the scene -- what's the worst thing? Ok, make that stop being the worst thing -- not fixed, not solved, not not-a-problem-anymore, just not the worst thing. Ok, what's the worst thing _now_?

And you iterate, until the worst thing stops being "house on fire" or "scattered body parts" and starts being "oh, crud, I haven't done the paperwork yet". It has the great advantage of not pretending that you can get the people out of the house, and treated for smoke inhalation, and burns, and washed, and fed, and their insurance claims filed, and _then_ deal with, oh, hey, house on fire! which a whole lot of "solve the key problem" patterns seem to do.

It is a wretched thing to be going through, but the appearance of repressed pain probably means it's the worst thing now, which means there's been progress somewhere else.

Eventually progress stops meaning yet more stored pain.

[baratron.livejournal.com]

I have no spoons for coherent comment, but hope that all goes well.

Also I'm not sure I know what happened at Samhain, but I'll go to look now to see if it's public or on a filter I can read, and assume it's none of my business if not :/

[kiya]

Summary, since I don't know how much was posted about usefully:

I went on a religious retreat, and spent the last day or so thereof broken down in tears, generally shaking, howling and rocking in pain, and otherwise incapacitated. I have been picking up the damn pieces since then.

The effect of the epic meltdown was basically that everything in my life built on bullshit and lies fell apart, which included a large amount of my mental coping strategies around my perception of my disabilities, my ability to put up with stress, and... yeah.