Identity Dynamics

[kiya]

[ Some brooding, some gnawing on ideas and insecurities. ]

I think I'm going to sum up the relevant bit of the converation with arawen and whispercricket from last night with: my default social dynamics function seems to be focused on judging whether or not I am likely to be ejected from the group membership and detaching myself ahead of time if it's perceived as likely to happen.

Or, put another way, the Outsider nature is sufficiently part of my sense of who I am that I cannot relax it and permit myself to be in a group. And the fact that I frequently have an odd perspective or am working in multiple spheres simultaneously or am edgewalking in some other way -- or, for that matter, may be having a Set moment and needing to break the stupid thing and stomp off into the desert to brood -- means that I'm rarely likely to feel like I'm meshing well.

So I find myself spending a fair amount of brainpower on things like being fairly sure that I'm no longer recon enough for recons, say, despite that being where my roots are deepest and my basic practices fall. While at the same time I find myself on the edge of the Feri training group being painfully aware of the fact that most everyone else is coming from some form of religious witchcraft; I can feel like a resource, well enough, from my angled perspective, but not secure as a member. (I would honestly love any comments from my classmates on that one, if you guys have thoughts on it.) So at some level I'm always braced for the, "You! I mean you! You don't belong here! Out of the pool! You're not historical enough, you're not witchy enough, you're not plural enough, you're not productive enough, you're not focused enough, you're not exclusive enough, you're just plain not enough."

This is hitting me really hard religiously these days; I was comfortable in reconstruction, content. But the work I need to do -- for myself and for my gods -- means that I can't just stay there in my happy place. (I suspect I was comfy enough that I'd eventually stagnate without a shove, which means that Big Red shoves me to make sure I keep growing. I, on the other hand, want my blankie back.) I have to go out into New Stuff, and gods know I hate that. But it's not just religiously speaking; as I said last night, I wouldn't be surprised if there were times that entire large gatherings of our friends were all sitting about thinking, "They don't actually want me here. This is just being nice. . . ."

Or, to misquote Timbuk3, "Too much Set, not enough affection.".

Comments

[jenett]

"They don't actually want me here. This is just being nice. . . ."

Gods know I feel that sometimes - even recently - and I have lots of recent evidence that that's not true. (i.e. people going out of their way to have me around, and telling me how much it helps. Got me.)

Much sympathy, because I am also in the season of "Here, go do more stuff." In lots of ways still. Not as bad as yours, but .. bad enough. Or good enoguh. Or something.

[lady-and-lion.livejournal.com]

Gods know I love to comment, but I want to make sure we're talking about the same thing. Could you elaborate more on the "religious witchcraft" thing? And how your approach is different?

Sometimes I feel a little outside the bubble with Feri too, but for me, it's because I have absolutely no Reclaiming background/experience and so many of the others do. If it's Presbyterian background you want, I got that. Most of the witchy stuff is new to me still. But if I don't know, I try to ask. Sometimes it helps.

[kiya]

"Religious witchcraft" in this context would mean the family of religions deriving from surviving folk magic practices and other factors, such as the Western mystical tradition. Feri being the most directly relevant to us in this context, but also Wicca, Reclaiming, genero-witchcraft-religion-from-reading-101-books, and so on. The big ones, at least, are maybe a hundred years old, and were strongly influenced by the syncretic skill of a visionary founder or founders, such as the Andersons. There's a bunch of stuff that I would say tends to be a part of religious witchcraft stuff -- not universally, but it's a decent marker -- such as casting circles or work with wand/blade/cup/pentacle or elemental focus. There's a fair amount of explicit working with energy involved, too.

The reconstructions mostly started up in the 1960s and 1970s, I think; there were earlier threads, but that's my understanding of when Asatru started getting strong. The basic idea behind them is that ancient cultures had particular ways of interacting with their gods, particular ritual forms and the like, and that one way of honoring those gods is to find the ways they were originally worshipped and recreate them in as close to the original form as is feasable and reasonable in the present day. (And there are huge arguments about what level of adaptation is a reasonable one.) What specific form the ritual takes depends on the target culture.

In any case, I'm coming from a perspective that is culturally constrained to some extent, one with a particular worldview (which I happen to find in many ways very compatible with the Feri one; otherwise I would have much more difficulty with the Feri work than I do) and one with a lot of effort put into historical work.

When we set up sacred space in class, for example, it's done with some explicit energy draws in among the ritual actions. My sacred space at home is mildly dedicated (I will do a far more formal dedication when I have better space) and when I open it, I do so with the energy draws implicit in the ritual actions and spoken pieces. It's . . . the act of making the flame and incense offerings opens the space, rather than me putting effort into opening the space specifically.

I can write more specifically if you like; I figured I'd start with the general overview.

[keshwyn]

They don't actually want me here. This is just being nice. . . .

My roomiesan. I want you around.

(If I don't want you around, I'll let you know. Assuming positive state may be hard for you, but if you can manage it, assume positive state. I'm always glad when you come for games.)

[luellon.livejournal.com]

I can't comment on the Feri, but on the Recon, there are things that other people use to fill in the gaps that aren't there in Kemeticism. Most of the gap filling is from other African Traditional Religions such as Ifa or Vodou; this can be another source too, like Feri which you said compliments Kemeticism nicely. We can't worship as the ancients did. The world is different. We're different people with a different culture. So we adapt.
A religion has to be alive to be lived.

I'd say (and I know this is never easy or at least to me it isn't) don't worry about it. Let the insecurity out and then focus on what's important. Set sent you there. He wants you there. You belong. And I'm sure your classmates want you there too.

My two cents...

[kiya]

It's fascinating to me seeing the way things fit, and that's sort of the jewel of a reward for all the work and discomfort. I need to do some more writing about it. When the heart is in creation, it stands against uncreation.

BTW, I should thank you for your AsetNet work -- I wound up going through a huge chunk of it when I was trying to figure out what I should do for the feast I was preparing for my ritual group's August celebration. I wanted to do one dish for each of the netjeru who had birthdays on the epagomenal days, and I had no idea what to do for your Mothers before rummaging in your site.

[luellon.livejournal.com]

Yay! I'm happy the site helped you! Squee!

What did you end up serving?

[kiya]

I wound up doing a milk-based vegetable soup for Aset's dish and pomegranate-glazed walnuts for Nebet-Het. I actually haven't written up my notes of what I did -- I really ought to do that so I can stick it on my webpage.

[nemtetsemnewty.livejournal.com]

Honey, we need to talk. Do you have an aim handle. I won't pounce on you. You have to pounce on Me! My aim handle is Nemtetsemnewty. Let me know your handle so I can accept the pounce when it comes.
Hugs.
N.

[kiya]

I don't have an AIM, no; not a big fan of realtime communications protocols, me.

[pariyal.livejournal.com]

I know what you mean; in any group, even in my family, even in church, and among my LJ friends, I'm constantly worrying whether I'm completely accepted. And if I am, if it is for me or just because the other people are so nice (or are just being nice). I think it started, or at least I was alerted to it, by my father of all people saying when I was in my early teens "it's a miracle that you have friends, they must be tremendously good people".

[laurelindel.livejournal.com]

I missed the last class, and as a result am having some fears about coming back to a group with already-formed smaller groups, none of which will want me. That's a manifestation of something I do to myself on a regular basis, so I can relate to what you say here.

FWIW, I found you fascinating and after a little while of feeling a bit intimidated -- one of the ways I do this thing to myself is by reminding myself of my lack of knowledge, and I see you as having knowledge in abundance -- I really liked being around you, and wanted you there, both in and out of Work space.

[kiya]

"My brain is composed of tar and things stick to it." -- james_nicoll

Perhaps we should form a group of people who are irrationally convinced that we don't really belong in the group, huh? :}

Thank you for letting me know you want me there. I'll try to keep that in mind when I'm getting the heeb-jeebs.