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[ Some brooding, some gnawing on ideas and insecurities. ]
I think I'm going to sum up the relevant bit of the converation with![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
arawen and whispercricket from last night with: my default social dynamics function seems to be focused on judging whether or not I am likely to be ejected from the group membership and detaching myself ahead of time if it's perceived as likely to happen.
Or, put another way, the Outsider nature is sufficiently part of my sense of who I am that I cannot relax it and permit myself to be in a group. And the fact that I frequently have an odd perspective or am working in multiple spheres simultaneously or am edgewalking in some other way -- or, for that matter, may be having a Set moment and needing to break the stupid thing and stomp off into the desert to brood -- means that I'm rarely likely to feel like I'm meshing well.
So I find myself spending a fair amount of brainpower on things like being fairly sure that I'm no longer recon enough for![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
recons, say, despite that being where my roots are deepest and my basic practices fall. While at the same time I find myself on the edge of the Feri training group being painfully aware of the fact that most everyone else is coming from some form of religious witchcraft; I can feel like a resource, well enough, from my angled perspective, but not secure as a member. (I would honestly love any comments from my classmates on that one, if you guys have thoughts on it.) So at some level I'm always braced for the, "You! I mean you! You don't belong here! Out of the pool! You're not historical enough, you're not witchy enough, you're not plural enough, you're not productive enough, you're not focused enough, you're not exclusive enough, you're just plain not enough."
This is hitting me really hard religiously these days; I was comfortable in reconstruction, content. But the work I need to do -- for myself and for my gods -- means that I can't just stay there in my happy place. (I suspect I was comfy enough that I'd eventually stagnate without a shove, which means that Big Red shoves me to make sure I keep growing. I, on the other hand, want my blankie back.) I have to go out into New Stuff, and gods know I hate that. But it's not just religiously speaking; as I said last night, I wouldn't be surprised if there were times that entire large gatherings of our friends were all sitting about thinking, "They don't actually want me here. This is just being nice. . . ."
Or, to misquote Timbuk3, "Too much Set, not enough affection.".
I think I'm going to sum up the relevant bit of the converation with
arawen and whispercricket from last night with: my default social dynamics function seems to be focused on judging whether or not I am likely to be ejected from the group membership and detaching myself ahead of time if it's perceived as likely to happen.Or, put another way, the Outsider nature is sufficiently part of my sense of who I am that I cannot relax it and permit myself to be in a group. And the fact that I frequently have an odd perspective or am working in multiple spheres simultaneously or am edgewalking in some other way -- or, for that matter, may be having a Set moment and needing to break the stupid thing and stomp off into the desert to brood -- means that I'm rarely likely to feel like I'm meshing well.
So I find myself spending a fair amount of brainpower on things like being fairly sure that I'm no longer recon enough for
recons, say, despite that being where my roots are deepest and my basic practices fall. While at the same time I find myself on the edge of the Feri training group being painfully aware of the fact that most everyone else is coming from some form of religious witchcraft; I can feel like a resource, well enough, from my angled perspective, but not secure as a member. (I would honestly love any comments from my classmates on that one, if you guys have thoughts on it.) So at some level I'm always braced for the, "You! I mean you! You don't belong here! Out of the pool! You're not historical enough, you're not witchy enough, you're not plural enough, you're not productive enough, you're not focused enough, you're not exclusive enough, you're just plain not enough."This is hitting me really hard religiously these days; I was comfortable in reconstruction, content. But the work I need to do -- for myself and for my gods -- means that I can't just stay there in my happy place. (I suspect I was comfy enough that I'd eventually stagnate without a shove, which means that Big Red shoves me to make sure I keep growing. I, on the other hand, want my blankie back.) I have to go out into New Stuff, and gods know I hate that. But it's not just religiously speaking; as I said last night, I wouldn't be surprised if there were times that entire large gatherings of our friends were all sitting about thinking, "They don't actually want me here. This is just being nice. . . ."
Or, to misquote Timbuk3, "Too much Set, not enough affection.".
