Brooding.

[kiya]

I'm brooding, lately. I think there's some fundamental restlessness or dissatisfaction somewhere deep in my psyche that's trying really hard to manifest, and can't figure out what shape it is. It's worrying me some; I don't know whether it will decide that the bathtub really needs cleaning or that I need to move to Topeka to sell candlesticks. Or something.

It doesn't help that I'm feeling utterly unrooted. My sense of connection to my family is iffy; I'm even having trouble making meaningful contact with teinedreugan. And I'm writing this down here because I know he'll read it and maybe that'll make a difference that I can't manage to express face-to-face, because I get to the place where I'm trying to express something and it just comes out I miss you in my head, and . . . that . . . it's wrong. It's the wrong sentiment, for all it's the closest I can get in English.

And I can't even approach how I'm feeling with brooksmoses at all. It's got some of that in it, and other stuff. . . and . . . . Bleah. There goes the ability to say any damn thing at all. It comes out I miss you and that's wrong, not because it's not true, but because it's not enough.

If this broodiness actually inspired me in the direction of something meaningful, that'd be one thing. Though today I had that conversation with oneironaut about linguistics, and I think I've more or less figured out what Dawn gets in her attempt at translation, so I can maybe write that next bit. This will still be a short chapter, I think. So that was something that I needed to brood over that got done.

Just . . . detached. Not even a self-protective detached, which I would at least know how to deal with.

Comments

[rosefox]

Suggestion if you want it:

Sounds like you're looking at targets and attempting to determine how you feel about them. If you just say "I miss you" to empty air, without a target, what targets come to mind? What else is attached to those targets, and to the missingness?

[kiya]

Contact. Togetherness. With-ness.



. . . the Changer of Eris is playing "Everybody Hurts".

A bunch of stuff that I don't . . . even really remember how to find anymore.

. . . and now it's playing this.

Have I mentioned it's possessed?

[rosefox]

That's a pretty impressive possession.

When I feel like that, that missing something unnameable and missing contact and togetherness, it means that I'm not actually able to be fully present regardless of who's around, so I can feel just as lonely in the middle of a crowd or with someone I love. What I'm missing is me, my own presence and participation in my life, and what I need to do is find ways to heal myself so that I'm not using all my energy on keeping myself together and can spare some for paying attention to interactions. Dunno if that's anything like what's got you, but the symptoms are similar enough that I thought I'd mention.

[kiya]

There's a reason I often refer to my Goddess as "Eris". That sort of thing crops up a lot, sort of like million-to-one-chances crop up nine times out of ten.

I don't know if that's what it is. It doesn't seem implausible, but I don't know if it seems plausible either. It occurs to me that I should get my act in gear and figure out what this initiatory period is supposed to be for more, and maybe negotiating that out will help. (I've been fairly aware of having been in an initiatory period for some time, but I haven't necessarily made any progress at figuring out what I need to do. Maybe that'll get me somewhere. . . .)


Incidentally, this is what it's playing now.

[brooksmoses]

I don't know how accurate a measure is, but what it feels like from this end does feel pretty strongly consistent with clairaide's hypothesis.

It ... also helps to know, even in this vague and unwordable sense, what's behind the "I miss you"s. I understand them differently, and better, now.

- Brooks

[kiya]

Well. I also miss you.

[kiya]

On the bright side, it seems to have stopped feeling violently philosophical at me and has taken up playing "Saturday Night's All Right For Fighting" now.

[linenoise.livejournal.com]

Just because my curiosity is insatiable, how many discs does your cd changer hold? It seems to come up with a remarkable variety.

My CD player sometimes seems possessed, but it only holds 5 discs, so a lot of the possession is creditable to the choice of cds to load.

[kiya]

110. It doesn't get changed around much. :}

[linenoise.livejournal.com]

*envy*

I've wanted a Really Big Changer for a long time now.

In other news..... I wish I had something useful to say on topic. Alas, I don't. So I'll just offer some goodthoughts for a positive outcome.

[kiya]

Things like that are among the secret perks of being engineerphilic, I think.

I think I'm doing better today, or at least have accomplished something in the real world and therefore have demonstrated that I actually do exist there.

[linenoise.livejournal.com]

My dad's an engineer. He's not a music junkie like I am, though. He's not interested in CD Changer of Massiveness.

I would buy my own, if I could afford it. Except that I only just bought the 5 disc one.

Accomplishments are a goodness. I know I started feeling *lots* better once I started with accomplishing things.

[mindways]

... it just comes out I miss you in my head, and . . . that . . . it's wrong. It's the wrong sentiment, for all it's the closest I can get in English.

A notion came to me while reading this: Perhaps...don't try to get the sentiment exactly into English? Come up with many different ways of saying it, none of which are really right...and perhaps some group of them might frame a border around the feeling. (On the general notion of "if you can't point directly at it, try drawing a line around it".)

This is how I think of some sorts of poetry, actually - unpointable conceptuals evoked by a frame of words, so the invisible is made apparent by lightly brushing each part of its surface with language...

[kiya]

Heh. Poetry.

It's not really a feeling that feels like poetry to me, if that makes sense? Maybe if it were I could write it, but . . . nntr. (I k now that's not what you're saying, but, y'know, thingy.)

I wonder. . .

[suzanne.livejournal.com]

I wish had had some advice, or something constructive. But I'm not sure I do. I've been feeling rather. . .cut off from everyone recently. In the past this has led to growth spurts in my relationships, even though it is hard to bear while happening.

It feels (to me) rather like the bridges are there, but I don't know the password to get across.

*hugs* I hope things get better soon.

[kiya]

It feels (to me) rather like the bridges are there, but I don't know the password to get across.

What . . . is your name?
What . . . is your favorite colour?
What . . . is the average flight velocity of an unladen swallow?