Toohoomit Mayconcern

[kiya]

If you don't hear from me a while it's because I'm ded of angst.

If you do hear from me, it's an angst revenant trying desperately to cling to some semblance of life.

At this point in the pregnancy, it takes all of my energy except for the braingremlin that thinks I should be doing something active, something that I can see progress on, and berates me for not actually being able. I wrote an appendix to the Traveller's Guide today in a fit of something-or-other, and I can't find anywhere else I can make progress on that project, so despite getting a couple of pages into the manuscript it depresses me. I can't figure out how to start on the thing I was all enthusiastic about yesterday. I'm too white to feel able to call someone on their atrocious displays of cis privilege, and I feel like shit about the entire situation. I feel helpless and hopeless about addressing a relationship issue that's causing me active distress, though at least I got snuggles today when I tried to talk about it. I can't find my kyphi stash, though I have the incense for Set and specifically formulated Nut and Hetharu incenses up in the bedroom, I should do a three-fer burning again to try to center for labor. Again. First try was reasonably effective, so maybe this will be, right? There's some hope somewhere?

I would probably be able to deal with all of this a lot better if I hadn't - by the sensation - ripped something in my right foot, leading to more-than-occasional instances of sudden-scream level pain. The original guess about what happened is the pregnancy edema separated the callus from the skin; the other day I swear I felt something rip up towards my ankle, and since then it's been hurting more consistently and more often. I have someone to call about this tomorrow, I tried to get it sorted today and I'm just not fucking coherent enough to explain what's wrong.

I was okay earlier today. I talked with Dad. I was cheerful about some stuff I ordered. We talked about how I may go to a minor league game on Friday, and how the baby's doing, and all that stuff. And him maybe coming and visiting if I need help, since teinedreugan's parents aren't going to be immediately available like we were thinking.

Now I'm just ... leaking ... from the pain and stress, because I tried to stand up, and it pulled the sore spot, and I fell over onto my back and just wailed. And I'm not tired enough to sleep and there's Nothing. In the universe. For me to do. Except sit and wallow in my psychological turmoil.

I'm frail and vulnerable and I feel useless and I'm defensive about that because I'm a headcase about that sort of thing even when I'm not ... like I am at the moment. I want to be happy. I want to be able to relax and destress and wait for the fishie to decide it's time to bail out of me and get back to some of the centered places I have. I want to curl up with my husbands and be safe and okay and watch the Spinners. Instead of that I'm gender and personality/plurality dysphoric, overloaded, angst-laden, and crying in pain.

That's the state of the me. At least now.

It'll be something completely different tomorrow, I'm sure. In some ways that's the worst part of it all.

Well, except for the pain. I'm pretty sure I'm stuck with the goddamn pain for a bit.

Comments

[cheshire-bitten.livejournal.com]

Instead of that I'm gender and personality/plurality dysphoric, overloaded, angst-laden, and crying in pain.

That's the state of the me. At least now.

It'll be something completely different tomorrow, I'm sure. In some ways that's the worst part of it all.

*hugs* I know that feeling.

[linenoise.livejournal.com]

Pain is fun, yo. I screamed once today. I was smrt, and I went and work 5 hours in my kitchen class, standing all the while, on a knee that I knew going in was already compromised.

It wasn't too bad, really, with good quality bracing.

And then I got done, and I went out to my car, and I took the brace off. And I cried a little. My knee did *not* want to decompress.

I'm better now. But I have five more hours in the kitchen tomorrow. And skipping class is not even *remotely* optional, in this program. So, yeah.

I wish you luck with your pain. May you be comforted.

[thomasyan.livejournal.com]

Oh, ouch!

I offer everyone dealing with pain, stress, and depression my sympathies.

[ex-drakyn.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[tiger-spot.livejournal.com]

Moop. Would you like internet hugs? I have internet hugs. And sympathy.

[luellon.livejournal.com]

*hug*

*hug*

[brooksmoses]

*hugs tightly* Mrr. May tomorrow be better in many ways.

[belledame222.livejournal.com]

((you))

[sashajwolf.livejournal.com]

*sympathies*

[artan]

Do you have an ankle brace, have you tried binding it? It might not work, and I wish I'd thought of trying it sooner, and since direct pressure didn't seem to previously cause problems, moreso with torsion, then it might be worth a try under the school of thought that it's more a physical-damage problem.

[ardaniel]

Aren't there pressure points down in that region that can trigger labor? Definite midwife question.

[whispercricket]

I think there are points in that area that teinedreugan learned about in reflexology class that could trigger labor. Or at least, that they said should be avoided until full term.

Was this related to staying away from them or using them? :)

[artan]

This is focused more around the outer edge of the heel, not normally a sensitive area. Also, there's usually a substantial difference between pressure-point type action and pressure over several square inches.

I believe that relevant pressure points are more towards the sole, which the offending region is slightly to the edge/side of.

[kiya]

Don't know where they are at the moment. Somewhat limited in ability to cope with looking.

[green-knight.livejournal.com]

<hugs>

I'd send a cup of tea, too, but it's likely to be cold by the time it arrives.

[ryanfirewitch.livejournal.com]

Oh hai.

You can has hugz nao.

Kthxbye.

[autumnesquirrel.livejournal.com]

*HUG*

[ardaniel]

My USPS tracking page tells me there's a package for you at your place as of this morning. You should get that. ;)

[kiya]

... it's good to know strange people.

[ardaniel]

There was no way I wasn't getting you that. :D

[whispercricket]

*hug* It's okay to have bad days. It's normal even. And pain sucks.

If you're interested but unable to deal with seeking out a massage or chiropractor or getting the big tub filled or anything like that, make noises somehow in that direction and we'll make it happen.

If the call is about setting up an appointment and doesn't include giving specific information about your foot, feel free to punt in my direction. (I can even find something for you to do in return if it would help you feel less useless.)

[morningwind.livejournal.com]

Mraw. *hugs* Here's hoping today is a better day.

[tendyl.livejournal.com]

All I can do is send hugs and comforting thoughts. I forget how close you are to evicting the wee one...from my experience the last 2-3 weeks were the worst physically.

[suzanne.livejournal.com]

*hygges*

Reading these puts me in such a strange headspace. I want to be with you, being helpful. I sympathize, want you to not hurt. I admire you, respect what you're going through. And of course the rather inevitable envy.

Very strange.

I hope tomorrow is better.