Insomnia

[kiya]

Warning: Depression content.


Comments disallowed because . . . damned if I can verbalise.

It'd be easier if I could actually stay in Jade. It's like xiphias said when he dropped by last week (last week? ages and ages ago), being depressive is actually a pretty decent solution to my problems at the moment, because it would turn off a lot of my emotional engagement with the world. Jade is a bit like that.

Jade doesn't attach, doesn't connect. Doesn't really do much at all. But at least that would handle the emotional reserves problem, the feeling that I'm being slowly drained out. If I could just be Jade.

I'm lonely.

I'm lonely and not only are the two people I really want to be able to spend time with unearthly busy these days, but . . . I feel avoided. Which doesn't help. (Look at the static accumulating on the abandonment button-set. Hasn't sparked yet, but I can feel the tears building up behind my eyes with that horrible pressure that cramps up the muscles in my jaw and gives me a godawful headache.)

I aspire to Jade, which is rare for me, because usually when I'm Jade I don't want to be -- Jade's massively passive-aggressive, and is prone to doing the, "I'm shutting down now to see how long it takes for anyone to notice I'm completely vacant and unresponsive, not that they will" thing. I think right now I'm mostly Silver, and a half-starved and still something of a wreck Silver at that.

A couple of the places I might go online to just . . . be . . . I don't feel safe anymore, and even if I felt safe being there, I certainly don't feel safe being this sort of vulnerable, showing this much throat and underbelly. Maybe if I were stronger I could deal with it, but hell, if I were stronger I wouldn't be a wreck, would I? I might go back to rasseff at some point; I've been writing back and forth with Orange Mike a little and am feeling maybe a little saner on the subject. But . . . honestly, I don't know if I feel up to risking getting hit again yet. I know I don't feel up to going back to alt.poly.

I'm barely sane enough to contemplate going out at all, and I'm going crazy in my house. This is not a good combination, overall. erispope is coming in to visit this weekend, and I need to go meet her at the airport, and the prospect is giving me the screeching heebie-jeebies. It should be all right when she gets there -- she's one of the people who gives me 'safe alpha' vibes -- but the getting there and the waiting however long that takes is the sort of anticipation that's nearly physically painful.

I've got the plans and scheduling for that around somewhere. I should look it up so I know what it is. So I know what something is. I suppose I should take the fact that Kevin said he'd drop his evening plans for Wednesday and spend some time with me as a sign that I'm not being avoided on that account, but . . .

He's going to California to visit suzimoses in just over two weeks, which is close enough to nearly be in real time. I still have no idea whether anything will be organized such that I won't be alone for that time, and there's a bit of me that figures that that's about right and typical for how things are going these days. Or, for that matter, always; it's the "I'm always the last to know, even if it's something that I need to know about or make a decision on or that other people have decided to make me responsible for" thing.

My head hurts.

I don't know if I feel any better, anyway.

I'll try this damn sleep thing again.