Terrible pain in all the diodes down my left side.

[kiya]

So I was reading this post in dot_cattiness (it's a locked post, so don't bother if you're not on the community).

Yeah, I suppose it's fair to say catty things about someone who's not dealing with their depression well, if that person is attached to their disorders -- gods know I did that back with the crazy ex, who I strongly suspect of being bipolar, who also refused to consider that he might have a problem and had an apparent phobia of psychological or psychiatric treatment.

I can't deal well with seeing it called a "disability", and that's with the scare quotes there. I don't know how to explain to someone who does it the stuff that comes with this shit. I can't see the "disability" snark as being anything other than contempt, possibly for the whole range of people who have disabling psychological disorders. Certainly for those who actually gasp admit that they have a problem that gets in the way of having their lives.

I started to write a reply to the post -- well, not to the post, but to the comment that had the "disability" line in it. Link to the alt.support.depression FAQ, point out that depression is a real disability that affects real people and this sort of insinuation about the moral rectitude of those people who have days when they just can't get out of the fucking cycle is counterproductive. . . .

Couldn't do it. I'm too depressed these days -- I don't have the emotional fortitude to expose myself to that sort of contempt, that sort of ignorance, that cavalier dismissal of what can be a serious problem -- certainly there are plenty of people who are worse off than I. If I had the strength, I would argue, I would point out this ignorance, I would say that this is the sort of attitude that prevents people from getting help, because they have evidence that nobody will think that their problem is real rather than a moral failing.

I can't do it. Not today. Not this month. I don't have the strength to start an argument, and I know that it'll come down to an argument if I try.

Comments

[sashajwolf.livejournal.com]

If he isn't, ok, I just need to set good boundaries and not make any agreements with him that he won't keep. But is there any way to be genuinely helpful if he is?)

My experience, both with my own depression and my husband's, was that no power on this earth would make either of us get professional help till we were good and ready, and the more people tried to tell us to do it, the more determined we became not to. I think the best thing anyone around us could have done was to set good boundaries anyway. I've found that when deciding where to place my own boundaries with regard to my husband's depression, it helps if I ask myself where I would place them if he had a suspected physical illness rather than a mental one.

[jenett]

I have to say that this way lies reasonable sanity.

(liliaren and I share the aforementioned crazy ex. My bet is on borderline personality disorder, which is also cross-linked with both depression and bipolar stuff.)

While I ended up ending the relationship anyway (because he, erm, was getting less and less interested in a relationship with me, was refusing to commit to *one* hour of undistracted time talking to me a week, and some other issues), setting boundaries did help for a while - the "Look. We've gone over this particular discussion a bunch of times already. I don't feel like I can do any good here. I'm going to go off and do X. If you want to talk to me later, come find me."

With my husband (who's got actual diagnosed depression stuff in his past), we've got an agreement that if *I* think I can't cope with it (not, actually, that this has been a huge problem since we got seriously involved), then he will go to appointments if I make them and take him to them. (i.e. minimal setup on his part - all he has to do is get in the car). This makes me feel better about the potential of further problems.

I think there isn't an awful lot of information/support out there for partners of people who are trying to figure out how to deal with these things. I do know from experience that it was very easy to feel like I *should* be more understanding and helpful, because I was the one who was otherwise coping with life fairly well. But that way *can* lie real damage too, which is why the boundaries part is so important.

[cheshyre]

I think there isn't an awful lot of information/support out there for partners of people who are trying to figure out how to deal with these things.

There is a published book called How you can survive when they're depressed. I haven't read it all the way thru yet, but it is out there.

I sometimes wish there was an equivalent to AlAnon for the families of depressed people as a support group to help us cope. It's a difficult subject to talk about with folks who haven't been there.

[rmjwell.livejournal.com]

I've found that when deciding where to place my own boundaries with regard to my husband's depression, it helps if I ask myself where I would place them if he had a suspected physical illness rather than a mental one.

Mmmm, good idea. I will have to file that away.