And to keep silent.

[kiya]

Had a fascinating experience over the last while, of finding that I have a potent urge to respond to things posted to ssbb and yet being unable to actually formulate something that I can say in such a public forum. The stuff that I would like to say is too intermingled with the things that don't get said.

And still I fear I said too much
My silence is my self-defense

It's interesting to me that I'm to a point where I wish I had good resources for kink and sexuality issues, but the ones that are out there I'm not sure I'm entirely comfortable using. I have such a weird patterning of intense privacy and intense openness about anything that touches on sex that it's sometimes amazing to me that I can talk about it at all.

There's the edge to work, the where yes-meets-no, that point of intimacy and abandon that cuts sharp and deep and bleeds. To know - to will - to dare - to keep silent.

I need to clear away the detritus around an image there and see if I can get somewhere with it.

Meanwhile, in a more prosaic reality, I need to go clean the medicine cabinet.

Comments

[redbird]

I'd guess that the non-standard shape of your privacy boundaries leads people to think that you're extremely open, because you're open about some things that most people in our culture aren't.

[I was going to go on for a couple more paragraphs, and all of it was coming up as "she knows that already, and it's not what she means."]

[kiya]

I came to the conclusion a while back that what promoted my comfort the best was to be open about the stuff it didn't matter to me to be open about, and never let on what I'm not saying. I find that most people-in-general don't notice that there's stuff that I'm intensely, almost secretively private about, because there's all this other stuff kicking around.

It gets fascinating to observe my processes when there's something I would like to talk about but doing so in the majority of situations is too ... real ... for my language to encompass.

I have one of those at the moment that I can say that it happened, at least in a small or personal context, but I'm not actually able to talk about any of the important parts -- even with the person who did it. I can discuss it with pointers and references, but the guts of it are too secret to expose. I want to share it at some level anyway, but it will probably take me a long time to figure out how.