Incoherent state of mind notes

[kiya]

ibnfirnas has made me want to put together a theurgical toolkit. Which has gotten me off on tangents of pondering how one would construct relevant tools in my full span of paradigms.

Which has gotten me pondering taking that hoodoo class again.

Discussion of names and liminality and cutting and not giving away power and all of these things and it makes sense in my head but now I know what Bonfire does and why I need to get him sane and playing well with others, because motivation resides in that flame, the doing, the aspiring, and yeah, I need to get his ass drunk. Holy shit. This is where the sanity is, and it's going straight through the most stone crazy of me.

Still dipping in and out of a very strange mood, things keep triggering it. Depression isn't helping, nor is it helping me figure out how I'm going to deal with arawen's stress patterns (since it's throwing up little piping "You're not able to cope with this, you're doomed" noises at me). Knowing that I'm biochemically incapable of making sound and rational judgements at the moment does not actually help as much as one would expect towards making sound and rational judgements. Just not making the broken ones. Which is something.

Also, interesting conversations about Martian anthropology, gender as a giant game of social Calvinball, dysphorias, and whether or not I can be genderqueer and female-sexed at the same time. Monocultures die in the first plague. Fractals of perversion. That sort of thing.

Walking alone in the dark, walking in company in the dark.

Failure states of ecstasy. Can't live in starfire.

Vagaries of penetrative sex. Need to write those notes.

I know it's easier to walk away than look it in the eye, but I have given all that I can take, and now I've only habits left to break.

Comments

[rysmiel.livejournal.com]

gender as a giant game of social Calvinball

I want to take this metaphor home and feed it nice warm miso soup and talk to it about what it wants to do in university. Thank you.

[elf]

It's not a failure state of ecstasy. It's just not sustainable. It's not supposed to be.

Nothing eternal is valuable.
(Sometimes that thought hurts my brain. A lot.)

Food is happening downstairs. I go now.

[kiya]

Those are only peripherally related sentences, not causally.

The failure state in question is one of my major temptations to balance against: my tendency, when confronted with something that really hits my ecstasy buttons, to drop everything -- all responsibility, all maintenance, all actually dealing with the rest of the world -- in order to pursue it.

I need to find a way of dipping into those impulses and still moving, rather than discarding any sense of getting anywhere in pursuit of the shiny object.

But some of them are so, so shiny.