Ranting, reprised

[kiya]

Two things, to reprise recent demonstrations of my own personal damage.


Over in a thread on the Yes Means Yes blog there's someone ranting about the evils of homeschooling because, among other things, "how can a relationship be realio trulio equal if only one person is bringing in significant income".

(Good to know that the measure of respect and importance and meaning in a relationship is made out of cash. Thank you so much for that kick in the face.)


In the couple weeks since I signed up on FetLife, I have seen, not just on FetLife itself, that stupid 'Polyamory is Wrong!' t-shirt linked four or five fucking times. Ha ha universe. Fuck you too.


In other news, I'm wondering if I'm getting PPD. It doesn't feel like depression-depression, but I'm constantly overwhelmed, want to cry for no particular reason, and various other things. It's ... very complicated in my head, which isn't helped by the low-level sense of illness (that is probably 'I haven't slept properly in a month, or well for eight or nine'). I need to sit and kala and probably do my regular Kemetic rituals and see if it helps, but mostly I just want to sob and be left alone.

Various states of family tension do not help, and have a bad habit of dragging up guilt and shame complexes (kala kala kala). And when my mind is working I want to parse calendars - I may post on that later - not, y'know, all the other shit that needs to be done for the household.

I am increasingly dreading most human interaction. Everyone wants 105% of what I can give, from the baby on up, except - maybe - my cat, who appears to be of the opinion that when I'm available for snuggles he'll take them but is otherwise self-managing.


Also, while I'm whingeing, my arms hurt, because I just helped teinedreugan put a very heavy box up somewhere high and was supporting it for too long because we needed to get whispercricket to snag a footstool for me to stand on so I (second tallest person in the household) could get high enough to finish the job, which would collapse horribly if I relaxed.

... this is an excellent metaphor for my entire life right now.

Comments

[jinian.livejournal.com]

Although I kind of fear babies, I really wish I were a lot closer right now so I could help do necessary stuff and let you get some down time. I do believe I am taller than you. (*hugs* offered, let me know if I can send care pkg or anything.)

[elf]

It doesn't feel like depression-depression, but I'm constantly overwhelmed, want to cry for no particular reason, and various other things.

It passes. You've got about another two and a half years. (Wish I were exaggerating.) Erm, it gets easier? Or at least, it *changes* when she's self-mobile; you get random bouts of *panic* to go with the exhaustion and lethargy.

It doesn't sound like PPD. It sounds like the absolutely normal exhaustion that comes from focusing your entire waking life on somebody else's needs, especially when the somebody isn't verbal enough to tell you what those are. You are, like most mothers, attempting to force yourself to spontaneously develop telepathy, and it's wearing you out. (Oh, and you feel guilty for not being telepathic enough, and for not getting enough "real work" done, whatever that is, and for every moment you realize that your attention has wavered from the object-of-desired-telepathy, whom you're pretty sure is going to learn to fly or teleport into very dangerous locations if you stop watching her.)

TAKE. WHAT. YOU. NEED.

If you need to lock yourself in the bathroom and shower until the water runs cold, then sit in the tub and cry until it's warm again, and repeat, twice more, do that. If you need to take dishes and break them with a hammer so there's a mess you are in *control* of, do that. If you need to eat something that takes a knife and fork and no interruptions whatsoever, do that. If you don't know what you need and you're just tired and achy and bitchy about it, go ahead & be tired and achy and bitchy. (Avoid over-use of knives and anything involving electricity not kept inside wires.)

Babies eat your brain. They're supposed to; they can't survive in the wild, and they need a guardian. Preferably, several guardians.

All the guardians go a bit crazy as they try to figure out the needs and wants (and geeze, let's not think about what *social* lessons the sprout's picking up) of someone who can't explain what's wrong and often can't appreciate when things are done right. (Babies do not thank you for pulling splinters.)

There are damnfew Feri exercises that even remotely help, because all that "keep your power" focus doesn't work when you're trying to feed power to someone else, as fast as she can grow to take it. You can't risk balancing your souls because *your* Fetch says "I'm tired and hungry and sick of listening to that screaming person in the bouncy-chair; I'm going to bed." (Instead, you get to try to substitute *her* Fetch for yours. Crazy-making, that is.)

Umm... good luck? Hugs? {{{YOU}}} It's not always exhausting, and the rewards are incredible.

If you're wondering if you sound, erm, "normal," or "close to the edge"... nah, this is normal. Parenting sucks sometimes. Makes you wonder how they did it for the thousands of years before they had night lights and stored food.

[kalmn.livejournal.com]

i am not yet a parent.

it may be true that some large part of this is just because babies are such an inherently awful experience that we have to be wired to love them or else we'd put them out with the recycling.

however, i think that it might also be useful for a person to do whatever a person would do in this situation if they otherwise thought they were depressed/that their depression was getting worse. for me, that's see the doc, up the meds, see the therapist, possibly increase the appointment frequency.

[artan]

Makes you wonder how they did it for the thousands of years before they had night lights and stored food.

There would have been 40 of us in a small tribe. Childcare would not have devolved to a single person/s but been a communal enterprise much more than is possible in modern life. Everything important would have been within walking distance. Younger children (someone's) would have existed to play with the very young ones and notify an adult if attention was needed.

The modern system is broken, plus has too many fantasy expectations tagged on top of that. Even worse, these are fantasy expectations that are almost possible, but really require being 3 people. Simply tasking 3 people to be you doesn't work, as that doesn't provide full mental integration.

[elf]

Mmm, yes. (And I must be out of it today, 'cos I usually notice that first.)

The "nuclear family" is one of the most toxic memes ever invented. A lot of what's missing from modern infant-care is a pool of 5- to 12-year-olds to play with/watch over the baby.

[kiya]

"Nuclear family arrangements generate highly toxic by-products; family arrangements based on fossil fuels, on the other hand, contribute to global warming." - necturus

[artan]

Everyone wants 105% of what I can give

The eventual solution is to be more than what you are now.

Unfortunately, this is best done by interspersed periods of great effort and rest. The rest is... not really available so much for anyone at the moment, and continual great effort digs into back-reserves making the required rest load greater.

Is there another scheduled grand-parental visit any time out? You can try to farm out more direct care?

[uncledark.livejournal.com]

It gets easier. Kids grow into increasing self-sufficiency, internet idiots come and go, and t-shirts eventually become tomorrow's grease rags.

Just don't kill anybody between now and then. Or at least no one you will miss.

And feel free to look up Uncle Dark on FetLife...

[metahacker.livejournal.com]

What if it said:

Being black is wrong!

(really it's closer to brown)

Would people laugh at that?

[redheadedmuse.livejournal.com]

I'm a full-time SAHM who would cheerfully homeschool if my kids were at all interested in it, and I make Real Money. Fuck them and their stupid assumptions.

[hawlla.livejournal.com]

I thought I was developing PPD after my son was born for much the same reason that you are stating. I think, to be honest, it mostly just stems from being overwhelmed as a new parent. If it continues to be a concern, however, go to see your doctor immediately.

[whispercricket]

I would guess some of it is due to the increased sleep deprivation from this round of sleep issues, especially since you sleep with her more consistently than anyone and have trouble sleeping with her anyway due to the waking synch (and have your own sleeping issues sometimes).

If there are things that would help you catch up on sleep, even if just for a weekend (other than night weaning, but we could even try and see if she'd take a bottle at night), I at least am happy to give it a try. Or if it would help to go do something relaxing like a massage or acupuncture (I almost always fall asleep during my treatments, although I might be weird :) ), that could definitely be arranged.

(Also also, try and keep up with your vitamins? The bigger KJ gets, the more she's taking from you, and you need to keep yourself strong and up on B vitamins, Omega-3s, etc.)

[ivy]

I have in fact pointed people at your lovely rant on the subject every time they send me a link to that shirt thinking that it's clever. So, I'm happy you said it... it saves me the trouble of having the argument on my own.

People who think that money is the measuring stick for respectful partnership probably have crappy relationships. So, I wouldn't be listening to their advice... I think that kind of disqualifies them from having a relevant opinion due to stupid.

I'm sorry that things are hard.

[sammee42.livejournal.com]

Aaarrggghhhh. I was homeschooled my entire life and I get so sick of articles like what you outline above. People are so freaking narrow-minded!

[jmkelly.livejournal.com]

What elfwreck said. Among the limits babies are not born knowing are yours. It's hard to tell them, "You're fed, you're dry, you're warm, now chill out because Mom needs a break," but the alternative is total exhaustion. And twelve years from now you do want to be living with a person who was not taught from infancy that the world was built just for her.

Fathers (like me) can help, but (like me) may need to have the situation spelled out for them.

Oh, and did anyone mention they're not born knowing how to put themselves to sleep? They have to learn it, and the process can be difficult for them and those around them.