Bleah.

[kiya]

I'm trying to figure out if I climbed up out of my hole far enough that I can hit a point-at-which-I-can't-take-anymore going down again, or if I've found the bottom of a new barrel to scrape.



But horray, hooray. I've taken my fucking vitamins.

Comments

[mittelbar.livejournal.com]

Yay, fucking vitamins!

[xiphias.livejournal.com]

*Sympathy*

If there's anything I can do to help, let me know. Would getting out of the house help? I have a car, and live two towns over from you.

[kiya]

Kevin thinks I need to get out (more). I . . . am so distressed these days that my ability to deal with people at all is incredibly erratic, and out of the house is incredbly threatening.

Yay, introvert with negative emotional reserves.

Gods. I just want to . . . not be, not deal, turn myself off for a couple of weeks. Short-term cold sleep has tremendous appeal. Just . . . give the rest of the world some time when it doesn't mean that I have to sit and be in active, perpetual pain.

I don't know.

Maybe I could get the living room cleaned up and be thus not utterly ashamed to have people drop by. . . .

[xiphias.livejournal.com]

I just want to offer myself as a resource. I'm a depressive myself. I won't say that I know what you're going through or anything like that, because I believe that the experience is fundamentally different for everyone who goes through it, but it does mean that I have a basis for understanding.

As far as being ashamed to have people over, if it makes you feel better, the floor around my desk is ankle-deep in papers, most-but-not-all of which are garbage, and I've had dirty dishes in the sink for two days.

[mittelbar.livejournal.com]

As Xiphias said, it's different for everyone. Sometimes it was OK for me when I was in the black hole to have someone come by and drag me out for a bit. Not for fun. Not for long. Just for out. And then back. It didn't hurt if they loaded the dishwasher while they were at it.

But they'd better not expect any gratitude.

[kiya]

It's a lot of external stuff that's kicking off the biochemical stuff. I don't even know if there is biochemical stuff per se; it's hard for me to sort out the stuff that's hormone-cycle related and the stuff that's . . . damn, I forget the proper medicalese phrase for "a damn good reason to be depressed", the one that needs to be accounted for in a diagnosis of depression, which is a shame, because I feel an inane urge to recite it over and over again sarcastically.

You up for getting together and getting an earful, maybe?

[kiya]

Kevin and I did Out last week. We went to the mall looking for sandals. I was proud of me. We went to the pet store and ogled birdies and snakies, and to the mall and failed to find any sandals, and to dinner at Fuddruckers, and to Home Depot to buy a flowerpot, and I was completely twitchy staring-at-the-walls-freaked-out-drained by the time we were done, but I Had Gone Out.

I was tired yesterday, but I made pierogies at keshwyn's place, which has a much nicer kitchen than mine, and food meditation good. Then I got home and melted down for unrelated reasons, but it was nice to be better for a bit and actually be able to contribute to game.

I think the dishwasher wants unloading, though. Hrum.

completely twitchy staring- at-the-walls-freaked-out-drained

[mittelbar.livejournal.com]

That does sound like a bit too much Out. :-/

Re: completely twitchy staring- at-the-walls-freaked-out-drained

[kiya]

Yeah. But there was stuff that needed to be done when I was both Out and Remembering The Stuff. So getting it done and being twitchy was better than not getting it done, I figured.

[xiphias.livejournal.com]

Yes. Tomorrow -- um, today, now. . . Monday, that is, is probably good in the afternoon.

[kiya]

That would work.

I forget. D'you know where the hell we are?

I'll drop email.

[keshwyn]

*huggle*

Was good gaming with you. I do think you should get Out more, but not Out where there's lots of mundanes - they only seem to depress you. Is there a park anyplace nearby you? Can you make it down to the beach?