If it matters, does it matter that it matters?

[kiya]

Vaguely religious maundering, on the mystical side of things.


When I was a baby pagan, everything was a big deal.

Feeling the gods was a worldshattering thing. Being able to horse my Lady was a sign of some great purpose for me. Every stray spiritual encounter was potentially earthshattering. That sort of thing -- I know a lot of people have been through that.

Over time, I got a bit less self-important, but only a bit: this person whose life I touched or changed, they were the ones destined for greatness, and I only the facilitator. It's an interesting false humility.

The process of getting over myself continues.

These days, I recognise tasks the gods and spirits and whoever else bring me, but I don't feel a need to piece them into a grand goal. It's enough to say, "You, I can help you," "I can love you", "I can give you what you need to continue". Grand illumination is not my problem; I don't need to be mother of heroes, defeater of demons, or what have you -- it is enough that someone is healed, or helped, or set soundly on their path, not because they are Important, merely because they are people.

I've become skeptical of people with grand causes, as I've gotten older, whether in the Seen or the Unseen. Saving The World is all well and good, but too many people are playing for points, not for lives; for prestige or an inner sense of specialness, uniqueness, being set apart from the ordinary. Destiny or The Cause or whatever it is can be overwhelming, a giddy narcotic that is far too easy to slide down into solipsism.

These days my arrogance runs something like: thinking it's all a big deal, focusng on Saving The World, is a handy escape from dealing with the actual people in it. Maybe I'll get a perspective shift on that one too someday. For now, I know that there are people I can help, not because there's a need to select them and train them up for the great battle for the Unseen or because I can bring them around to my ideology and bring about perfect harmony and justice, but because they're people.

Perspective is the biggest head trip in the universe.

Comments

[arianadawnhawk.livejournal.com]

*frantic twinkling in your general direction* Especially on the "handy escape from dealing with the actual people in it". I struggle with proper perspective from both ends, but it seems to be getting better. I think I got over the worst of it around the time I went on hiatus from magic, but crap comes up. Most often, I have a hard time with any sort of broad view. (And yes, I've been known to slip from Pride to Arrogance around these sorts of things.)