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Because I'm not running away to Montreal or something. :P
I think the roughest thing for me about the house and moving stress is that I feel I have to spend a lot of my time and energy on being practical, focused, productive, rational -- this, that, and the other need to be cleaned up, these little practical thingies need to be dealt with, there's hair in the tub and I cleaned it yesterday and that will have to be fixed pretty much immediately, all of this grinding, unrelentless pragmatism.
I think I'm coming around to a sort of market correction on my processing state, and am watching the bits and pieces of that and trying to figure out how I can sanely get myself back into a state of better personal balance.
Some of the things that I'm noticing, most of which are pre-existing threads that have just gotten more important rather than things that are pure reaction:
- My emotional states are swapping between running strong and arational and a sort of floating detachment, in complicated fractal-like patterns. My sense of territory is in a state of perpetual disruption at the moment, which leaves me feeling unsettled and snappish; that feeling will not be resolved any time soon, too, which means there's this undercurrent of anxiousness that periodically latches on to one thing or another to wig out about. I have even less sense of how to judge what proportion of my emotional reactions is well-founded than I do in general.
- I'm groping vaguely for various forms of ecstatic experience. I should probably run my Pentacles playlists through the speakers a few times and just let myself sink into that for a while now that we're sort of semi-paused on the house progress, just to remind myself that I do know how to let go.
- My sense of kink as magical/transformational toolset has gotten more and more frustrated. I can tell that I'm missing some of the pieces I need to solve the shape I'm working at the moment, and I don't know how to get the pieces. This doesn't stop me trying to figure it out, twisting the bits around to see where the effects are. I'm pretty sure I need to blend it with other stuff to get some of the effects I want.
- I'm wandering back to my neo-shamanic dabbling with a little more urgency. I've been prodding at my shapeshifting technique work a fair amount since I brought it up at the last Feri training session with![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
yezida; some of jenett's writing lately has kept it in mind, and, of course, I've been following lupabitch's discussions of related subjects over the last few days. I've never been good at letting go on some of the internal limitations outside of certain contexts, and I'm coming to think I need to do some more day-to-day integrative work.
- A lot of the physical activity I've been doing of late has been much more in my head than in my body -- the packing, cleaning, yard work, all that stuff is 'this needs done, I do it' rather than physicality. I need to figure out how to address that.
These are all expressions of the same thing, just slightly different anglings. My mind is sort of half-synthesising thoughts here and there into nearly coherent forms that fall apart when I touch them.
I don't know where to go from here; somewhere in here is a very visceral 'I am!' that I can't figure out how to express functionally in the universe.
IamIamIamIamalsoIamtired....
Gonna go try the Iron Pent playlist set and see if that helps.
I think the roughest thing for me about the house and moving stress is that I feel I have to spend a lot of my time and energy on being practical, focused, productive, rational -- this, that, and the other need to be cleaned up, these little practical thingies need to be dealt with, there's hair in the tub and I cleaned it yesterday and that will have to be fixed pretty much immediately, all of this grinding, unrelentless pragmatism.
I think I'm coming around to a sort of market correction on my processing state, and am watching the bits and pieces of that and trying to figure out how I can sanely get myself back into a state of better personal balance.
Some of the things that I'm noticing, most of which are pre-existing threads that have just gotten more important rather than things that are pure reaction:
- My emotional states are swapping between running strong and arational and a sort of floating detachment, in complicated fractal-like patterns. My sense of territory is in a state of perpetual disruption at the moment, which leaves me feeling unsettled and snappish; that feeling will not be resolved any time soon, too, which means there's this undercurrent of anxiousness that periodically latches on to one thing or another to wig out about. I have even less sense of how to judge what proportion of my emotional reactions is well-founded than I do in general.
- I'm groping vaguely for various forms of ecstatic experience. I should probably run my Pentacles playlists through the speakers a few times and just let myself sink into that for a while now that we're sort of semi-paused on the house progress, just to remind myself that I do know how to let go.
- My sense of kink as magical/transformational toolset has gotten more and more frustrated. I can tell that I'm missing some of the pieces I need to solve the shape I'm working at the moment, and I don't know how to get the pieces. This doesn't stop me trying to figure it out, twisting the bits around to see where the effects are. I'm pretty sure I need to blend it with other stuff to get some of the effects I want.
- I'm wandering back to my neo-shamanic dabbling with a little more urgency. I've been prodding at my shapeshifting technique work a fair amount since I brought it up at the last Feri training session with
yezida; some of jenett's writing lately has kept it in mind, and, of course, I've been following lupabitch's discussions of related subjects over the last few days. I've never been good at letting go on some of the internal limitations outside of certain contexts, and I'm coming to think I need to do some more day-to-day integrative work.- A lot of the physical activity I've been doing of late has been much more in my head than in my body -- the packing, cleaning, yard work, all that stuff is 'this needs done, I do it' rather than physicality. I need to figure out how to address that.
These are all expressions of the same thing, just slightly different anglings. My mind is sort of half-synthesising thoughts here and there into nearly coherent forms that fall apart when I touch them.
I don't know where to go from here; somewhere in here is a very visceral 'I am!' that I can't figure out how to express functionally in the universe.
IamIamIamIamalsoIamtired....
Gonna go try the Iron Pent playlist set and see if that helps.
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But I did look at train schedules. ;)
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