Chronicling

[kiya]

It's hard to write when I'm wrestling with the depression. It's actually not being that hard to write-write, as in work, but I'm so folded into myself that coming out enough to say things here just . . . doesn't occur to me.

At least I'm getting work done, so it's being more productive than . . . well, the entire month of June. But I'm in one of the horrible liminal states where I don't want to be awake, and I don't want to sleep, I just want to Door Number Three. I've never been good at consciousness transitions; this adds a certain inertia to the entire process. Though staying up until I collapse does have certain advantages in overcoming the usual insomnia.

I have stuff I said I'd do for the class, too, involving the Freudian dictionary and other stuff, and I haven't done that, and some stuff I said I'd send yezida. Full moon tomorrow, so I'll do ritual, and maybe that'll get my head on straight; I've gone too long without (since I was unable to manage purity requirements during the new and . . . never managed it aside from that . . . because I've got, y'know, the motivational capabilities of a cabbage-or-something, probably a slightly rotten one that's gone slimy).

And I have something I want to write about justice. And I don't know how. (Maybe if I stew enough it'll unstick, like the Challenged by an Ichthus one did.) And I might ought work on the Divine Twins ritual idea I got at the first workshop, only I don't think I have enough Feri theology just yet. And and and. Someone posted a link to a Slavic discussion list to slavic_paganism, maybe that will help me get that corner of my practice unconfounded, or at least be informative. My class starts tomorrow; it's fairly freeform, at least, so my inability to *indicative handflappy motions* shouldn't screw me over too badly. And the usual translation functions are down, so I can just say that I'm feeling very *gesture*.

I'm not going crazy; that was last month. I'm just . . . watching my life, rather than doing it. While this is on some levels an improvement, as it produces less screaming, it lacks a certain groundedness.

The jasmine needs watering. Resurrection, ho.

I miss me. I wonder where I went.

Comments

[pinkpolarity.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I've been wondering where you've been lately. I hope things get better soon.

[nemtetsemnewty.livejournal.com]

Hugs. I love you dearly. Thinking of you and Mehen a lot. You both are in my prayers for what it is worth.

I understand a lot of what you are feeling.

With much fondness.
Nemtetsemnewty

[marykaykare.livejournal.com]

I've been thinking about where you'd go to myself as instanced by a recent title on an lj entry.

I know sort of the way you're feeling as I'm feeling rather that way myself. Ick.

MKK