LJ Is For Whining

[kiya]

So I do it here.


I am becoming increasingly suspicious that I need psychiatric medication. At least until I get over this hump of problematic stuff. Because I am just not managing this situation well, and it's not improving. I have been getting steadily worse since February, with a pretty dramatic downturn two weeks ago when I stopped sleeping.

If I miss a single day of the B vitamins, I start having panic attacks. Or something, I don't know if they qualify as panic attacks in whatever technical sense panic attacks are defined in. I get depressed; things start to overwhelm me. The overall emotional context is something like, "I'm in a deep dark hole. And it's so high up and the walls are unstable and it's all going to come down on my head and bury me alive, and I can't risk moving or touching anything for fear of setting it all off . . . ." When I'm on the vitamins, it is, instead, "I'm in a deep dark hole. Well, that fucking sucks, now, doesn't it?"

As scales of improvement go, that is both gigantic and laughable.

Of course, to get psychiatric medication, I need a counsellor and eventually a referral to a psychiatrist or someone else who's qualified to do the medication. I note here, tangentially, that the concept of psychiatric medication terrifies me irrationally: taking the B vitamins to control the depression and its spinoffs is correcting a deficiency or a glitch, and I can handle that in my head. I don't know how the antidepressant stuff works, the side-effects of getting one that doesn't work with my biology are frightening, and I don't know how it works. Did I mention I don't know how it works? Black magic. Black magic in my thinking is not comforting.

Some of the side effects are things that I'm looking for counselling to help fix too, so the possibility of getting one of the sets that causes, say, sexual dysfunction is not terribly encouraging since a fair chunk of my SAN damage at the moment is due to psychological crap around sexual dysfunction.

But anyway, back to the counsellor thing. I need one. I need to deal with childhood damage stuff. I need to deal with the lasting effects of the assault. I would like to know if that one chunk of what's wrong with me qualifies as PTSD, just so I know what it is. I could probably use some relationship counselling help too right about now, which means I definitely need to make a poly-friendly counsellor a priority. (I suspect I will not deal with the possibility of a multiplicity-friendly counsellor at all by simple expedient of being as much singlet as plural and not bringing it up. Yes, it's chickening out on activism. No, I don't have that many spoons.) So a poly-friendly counsellor, ideally one who's good with helping someone deal with sexual violence issues and can handle someone with serious neurochemical fuckeduppery. And is T-accessible, because I still don't drive.

Which means that I need to call strangers, possibly more than one of them, interview them to see if I'm likely to be able to develop a working relationship with them (I have never had a counsellor that I could trust, but I was also never choosing them or trying to work on things rather than being sent out for repairs by someone in authority). And I need to have a functional capacity to make a scheduling commitment and get out of the house to it on a regular basis, on my own, when I am currently not confident of being able to do anything other than sit in the corner with a blankie most days.

I also need to learn how to drive, which is something that has been stressing and embarassing me for about ten years now. I don't like the prospect, doing it frightens me, but I've been picking up some of the kinesthetic skills I need from observing my reactions to being a passenger and cultivating the situational awareness, so I'm at least not as bad off as I used to be. I am no longer hitting the same panic-level sensory overload at the prospect, which may mean that I'm capable of picking up the skills at this point rather than freaking out and refusing to contemplate touching the thing again for quite some time when unable to make the car turn on when being asked to perform for an audience.

I need to get back on the horse and start back to college. Part of this is because I actually want to now (when I was seventeen, college was more of a because-it's-expected thing), so I'll have better odds. Part is getting Dad off my case about it. Of course, because I've been out of full-time school since 1997 and out of school entirely since summer of 2000, this has its own exciting hoop-jumping. While I really like some of BU's stuff, including the possibility of speaking to the Ifa priest there as something of a seeker, I've had enough people warn me about the school experience there that it's sliding down. Also, keshwyn pointed me at a pretty good returning-to-school program at Tufts that may be swingable, and which allows for part-time students. (I suspect that part-timeness is going to be necessary for my sanity.) Also, BU's adult education program sucks slugs through a straw, as far as I can tell.

I was already planning to go to NSCC or some other community college for a bit to start getting myself back in the swing of things; the Tufts program requires some recent coursework, so that works out all right. Of course, this means getting the paperwork and stuff they need for that to be sorted out, with things like transcript requests and so on. I'm planning on taking a non-credit course on small business stuff, which actually reduces my stress level, as otherwise I'd have to have a paragraph or two about, "AUGH! I want to start a small business and I have no idea how to do it and where to start learning!" I can just say, "A solution is possible" and stress about getting a proof that I graduated high school down the street and wonder if I can go back to school this time without suffering the sort of catastrophic breakdown that I did last time. (Though it occurs to me that I am not getting migraine from this stress level, which means that it differs in some ways from the sort of stress I was in in 1997 when I was booted from Wellesley for being too fucking crazy to associate with proper high-class types. Or however one wants to put that.)

The NSCC class I intend to take this summer is an online course, and thus does not involve the whole "I melt down when contemplating leaving the house on my own" problem. There are also some classes in the area of my potential future major that appear to be online courses, which is a possibility for later that will probably help. Making a transition from that to going to classes in person is intimidating to me, but I hope can become manageable if I manage to approach sanity as anything other than a suddenly flaring comet.

I have currently set aside the possibility of trying to get a part-time job in the State House, for all that I'd love to do it, on the basic principle that I should not attempt to commit to working outside the house until I can leave the house without feeling like I'm about to burst into tears. Inflicting additional crazy on local government = not a good idea. So this is only a minor thing, a "I wish I weren't such a fuckup" type stress rather than one of the things that's trying to fall on my head.

The state of the house is driving me insane. There is very little I can do about it (though I should get off my ass and work on my long-neglected painting work), because a lot depends on teinedreugan organising contractors and us finding a clear weekend to get people over to demolish the basement. This does not mean that the unfinished repairs that are currently weighing over me are not driving me spare. We have the basement wall to blow up and replace, with all the mildew to clear out there. We have the fucking hole in the bathroom ceiling, though teinedreugan is intending to fix that this weekend. We have the busted lamp in the bathroom, which will presumably be dealt with when we get someone in to deal with the wiring SNAFU that is our three fuse boxes. There's the paint job in the hallway that I need to finish. Plus there's the generalised cleaning and such that I need to work on so that we can consider showing the house if we're serious about moving, and which is holding us back from the possibility just as much as the failure to have the damn basement dealt with is.

The writing is actually not currently a source of stress, perhaps because I am not at the moment trying to do any. I'm waiting for more comments on The Devil's Due before I start an editing pass, though I've got a few things that I know for sure need tweaking. I should probably pick up The Otter and St. Jude and work on it a bit while I'm waiting; I suspect I can actually handle it, but I'm afraid to take on the sense of obligation to work on it again, because any form of failure at that level is at the moment deeply crippling. I'm not making much progress on my other writing obligations, but that's okay by me. We'll take it slow.

I think I've run out of obvious medical and external shit; I've been trying to avoid the personal stuff because it terrifies me. But I should at least vent some of it.

I haven't been sleeping well. The beginning of this severe downturn corresponds to a period of the better part of a week where I was functionally not sleeping at all; this has been improving since the middle of last week, and significantly improving since this weekendish, but is still not good.

I do not currently have any partnership relationships I consider functional. In the case of oneironaut, there is no actual systemic problem other than the fact that we are both having years that we'd like a do-over on, are therefore both in need of emotional support, and attempting to ask for it (or, for that matter, provide it) is likely to lead to the destruction of furniture from the explosion that results from the overload than anything useful. I feel vaguely guilty about not being able to support gtst, but I am attempting to live in reality on this one and thus keep things to a level I'm able to provide, such as making obscene jokes at lstone's expense.

In the case of teinedreugan, what we have is the accumulated detritus of a number of things, primary among them my depression. This is actually feeling significantly better than it was a few days ago (when I melted down behind lock), because we've been talking about some of this stuff and thus reaffirming some deeply neglected connections. He has been (since I melted down and thus made him aware of some of the extent of the difficulties I'm having) very supportive and generous with his time and energy, which has kept me from breaking down in tears at random several times. However, we still have a bunch of cruft to clear out, much of it in the area of my sexual glitches. Dealing with this will probably be extremely stressful for both of us, and it would probably be best if I had counselling support for some of it so I can try to address the portions of it that are consequences of the assault. I am very much feeling in a state that I am a failure as a partner to him, and while he has never suggested that I'm deficient, that doesn't stop me from having a guilt complex the size of a medium-sized arcology, complete with well-preserved mental swamp environments.

In the case of brooksmoses . . . there is a great deal I cannot say, because I cannot discuss the state of that relationship without either breaking down in tears or becoming extremely angry. I cannot predict which result I will get, either. Situation is currently on pause-and-degenerate-steadily-into-disgusting-gobbets-of-rotten-goo until I have permission to shout. (And when I do shout, the content will be inappropriate to comment on here.) Shustal. There are occasional moments when it's possible for me to fake the feeling that it's actually possible for it to work well enough that it does not cause active, significant pain for a little while, and then the snap-back to normality leaves welts.

My studies are going by the wayside. I'm behind on the middle_egyptian classwork, though I do have glyph flashcards. I did finish Behind Closed Eyes. But I am not capable of maintaining the Feri work I'm trying to do at the moment, which is causing me tremendous stress. (I know that if I don't get the trance work done I'm going to feel catastrophically behind and have a meltdown, which is a fair part of why I'm going to try to get to queenofhalves's place tomorrow. That will be a major expenditure of spoons, but I know not getting it done in the long run will take me deep into the red on silverware.)

I am not entirely certain how much my state of sanity or lack thereof comes across to people I'm spending time with. (Tonight, arawen said, "Stay sane." I think I was closer to laughter then; right now the phrase makes my nose filll up with that horrible chlorinated feeling of half-present tears.) I apparently fake it incredibly well, even to people who know me well; I don't think even teinedreugan knew how bad it is in my head before I posted the meltdown. And I find it tremendously difficult to talk to people about it without going detached and cracking jokes about it, because otherwise I'll start sobbing and screaming and that really derails a fucking conversation, you know? Also, highly developed junior high school survival instincts: never let them see the belly or the limp, because people are hyenas. The hardest thing to put down is a shield you no longer need and all like that there.

Everyone who's asked me how I am today has gotten the answer, "Clinging to sanity with orange-tinted fingernails." I'm trying, in a lot of ways, to distract myself so I don't explode; making fun of my nitroglycerin resemblance is one way I'm using to do that.

I forgot to take my vitamins the other day. The vitamin thing is a routine I established a long time ago, to the point that it is pretty much automatic, something that I don't need to think about or actively remember. The fact that I forgot them was a shock to me, a sign of how messed up I am. (And the level of insanity that resulted was spectacular.) And I don't think that that shock translates well to anyone out of my head, who doesn't know the natural progression of routines, how hard it is to establish them, how much it takes to break them. Well, I suspect it'll translate to some people, actually, but that's less rhetorically impressive.

Sometime this past week, weekend, somewhere, I went upstairs to get ready for bed; when I stepped out of the bathroom, teinedreugan was there. I tend to startle easily, but I usually recover moderately well; as it was, I yelp-screamed, then stood there, transfixed by the shock of it, and shook for a long time. I want to say five minutes. Then I burst into tears.

Which is about how things are going these days.


I have a horrible horrible suspicion that I've forgotten a factor or two. Ah well; they'll surface again soon enough. :/

Comments

[leanne-opaskar.livejournal.com]

*hugs tightly* If there is anything I can do or help you with, please please let me know. OK?

In terms of black-magic psych drugs: I was on Paxil for about ... a year? Two? Less than two. Maybe more than a year. Paxil essentially ... *thinks* I forget if it increases your seretonin level or improves your use of it, but it's one of the two. It's designed for folks who have anxiety problems, and also I believe depression problems. I did not have any side-effects aside from perhaps some weight gain, but that could have been due to the anxiety and depression I was dealing with at the time. The only significant shift in my mentality was that my emotional swings stabilized and I did not swing so hard and wildly. All the rest of it stayed the same.

I am glad I am no longer on it, simply because it makes me feel good that I can manage this stuff on my own now. Back then, I did need the help just to break out of the ever-increasing pain caused by the swinging back and forth, and I'm glad I had it at the time.

Of course, now that I'm off of it and dragged out of my anxiety-hole, I'm totally redoing my life again ... ^_^; But I'm feeling better about life now than I have in a long time. Just getting out of the hole and grabbing at what I really wanted helped a lot.

In terms of counseling, I can't help you a lot here. My therapist was not real good for me. I tend to go hunting solutions, and she didn't provide any, or even really lead me to any. (This leads back to the "I have to fix my own life on my own" theme ... that is apparently one of my lifelessons this go'round.) I wish you the best of luck in finding a good therapist, if you do choose that route.

*hugs* Like I said -- if there's anything I can do, just let me know. I know I have no clue what you're going through, but if there is anything that would help, just ask. *hugs again*

[kiya]

At this point, the most practical suggestion I've come up with is prayer. I don't know if that says more about my perception of the problems or the difficulty of applying leverage from the outside.

Part of the stress I'm in is that I've hit a point at which I cannot wait on trying to turn my life into something that is long-term functional any longer, which means that a bunch of problems that were sort of stewing quietly away are now under extreme pressure. (That's the best I can express it.) So the whole self-reinvention thing I sympathise with. :} It's hard to re-rail a life, y'know?

For counselling -- I've been working on trying to figure out how to do this step for several years now. It's becoming more and more clear that I need something; I've got deep-seated Issues from parts of my childhood and some lasting warping from being assaulted that is getting in my goddamn way. And I don't know how to get it out of the way right now. (I have several LJ entries that I'm just going to print out and hand to whatever therapist I wind up with. 'Here. Have a braindump, so I don't have to pretend I'm articulate in speech.')

My sort of overriding theme for reality lately is that it's time to grow up fixed. The net effect seems to be that I'm being jet-propelled through the concrete ceilings up from the basement. :/

[leanne-opaskar.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I will pray, then. As long as you don't mind the prayers going to a lord of chaos and change. (; I dunno, maybe that would be helpful ... ? (:

I understand where you are right now, at least in part. I didn't have it quite so rough, but I've been on that road, and it needs paving! *hugs* It will be hard to do to start with, but the relief you'll feel as you accomplish things will be a big help. And I know you can. I've seen how strong you are, and I know you can do this.

Might help to weaken the ceilings before you go blasting through them, so at least it won't hurt so much. Not that I'm sure how to do that, except by planning and preparing before attacking the next problem. *hugs*

[kiya]

Dude, I hang with Set. ;)

[leanne-opaskar.livejournal.com]

I know. It was a lame attempt to be funny. (; *hugs*

[ardaniel]

Cognitive-behavioral therapy is really good for sorting out issues and dealing with solutions/ plans of action; if you ever look for a therapist again, you might inquire about what aspects of cognitive-behavioral work they include in their approach.

Paxil made me godawful sick and gave me every side effect in the book in sequential order (no, really), culminating in muscle weakness that made me eat pavement on Commonwealth Avenue one afternoon. Your mileage obviously varied-- as it should, everyone's reactions to this stuff varies-- but I feel duty-bound to present the opposing experience. ;)

[kiya]

That sort of thing is part of the irrational terror: there are so many exciting ways any particular antidepressant can fail to work for some measurable fraction of the population the idea of trying them has about as much appeal as Russian roulette.

"Oh, that one made your skin turn fluroescent orange and your ears sprout tentacles? Let's try you on something else, then."
"What's that one do?"
"Well, there's a minor risk of having your spleen explode, but aside from that . . ."

[ardaniel]

"Black magic is whatever works." --Victor Anderson

;)

[brooksmoses]

I also need to learn how to drive.... I am no longer hitting the same panic-level sensory overload at the prospect.

Well, you're looking at this from the perspective of driving in Boston. Of course you're getting panic-level sensory overload. I get sensory overload in Boston traffic. The only way to deal with is a Zen state of being aware of the place where the car can safely go rather than the multiplicity of places where it can't, maintaining a persistent belief in the nonemptiness of the former state despite the evidence against, and having at least a passing charitable relationship with a deity who can deal with the occasional suspension of logic and physics necessary to make it all work. (Say three "Hail Eris"'s and call a cab? No, wait, that latter part is New York City.)

More comments on the other part when I have a brain.

[kiya]

I've had that response since I did driver's ed in border-between-suburban-and-rural Maryland.

[brooksmoses]

I will continue maintaining that the appropriate way to learn to drive is on a John Deere tractor in the middle of an empty field.

One can then graduate to a farm truck in the middle of the field, and attempt to hit the cow pies with the tires. This adds the additional complications of an accelerator pedal and the fact that one can't see the tires.

Then one can graduate to roads, and after one gets good at that, then it makes sense to try out this whole scary concept of places where one has to deal with traffic without doing the "pull over to the side of the one-lane road and let them pass" thing.

[ardaniel]

I've been learning on a swamp buggy. Tractor tires bigger'n my head, gun rack, space for hauling dead animal, and all.

When it's not the buggy, it's Chad's father's Kawasaki Mule, sort of a tricked-out camouflage golf cart. Given the choice between the backwoods of Florida in the buggy and the streets in the subdivision on the Mule, though, I'll take the woods and the thing what can roll over tree trunks any day of the week; I ran the Mule up on someone's lawn dodging a pickup truck, which rattled me a bit until Chad pointed out that I hadn't hit anyone, and Not Hitting People was hte object of the driving game. ;)

'Course, I only get to do that when I'm in Florida. *sigh* There should be more places to take your jury-rigged homebuilt monster truck out for a walk in the LA metro.

[ardaniel]

WRT meds, I was a big fan of Serzone, which I don't even think you can *get* in the States any more because it was deemed Not Terribly Useful and Possessed of Great Liver-Eating Powers. Wellbutrin's not bad either-- however, if you're fond of your coffee/ Internet/ crack cocaine addiction, get ready to hand it to the coat-check girl and get it back when you get off the meds, because Wellbutrin makes all of that sort of thing just stop dead in its tracks. (Had to go off that one because my dad's epileptic and there was concern that I'd start having seizure issues myself.)

They're all different, they all take about a month to kick in, there are certainly ones that are better or worse for any given person just based on the literature (liver problems mean you need to be watched more carefully on a bunch of them, no seizure disorders or potential for them if you're going to get Wellbutrin, etc.) The trick is finding the right person to *give* them to you, which is harder than it looks, because some therapists only work with some shrinks, and the good therapist may not always have the good shrink, etc.

I killed three and a half years of cognitive-behavioral work at BU's Danielsen Institute; they failed to suck when I was there, although the kink-friendliness of any given therapist is not a given and you'll have to check. Sadly, my therapist was an intern and went on to alhandra's hometown, go fig, so I can't specifically recommend "you totally want John Sullivan." However, they are Terribly T-Accessible (BU East on the Green Line, walk over to Bay State Road), and they were very good to me at the time when I was working with them.

Aline Zoldbrod of the Mighty Sexual Therapy Website And Media Appearances is out in Lexington. Can't vouch for her personally, but she seems to specialize in sexual trauma. There's a group therapy/ individual therapy place in Kenmore Square, whose name I cannot recall ATM, that I *absolutely cannot recommend,* because they were completely atrocious to me wrt my sexual preferences and history during an intake interview and I left in tears and ripped them a new asshole on the phone the next day. Wave off from Kenmore Square-based people. ;)

And, of course, there's always the Kink-Aware Professionals listing, although I'm not sure of its update status.

I, also, must learn to drive. Were I in MA, I'd book my road lessons back-to-back with yours so we'd only have each other to horrify with our mad skillz. You know you've always wanted to hurtle down Dungeon Avenue to Walnut Street doing 80.

*hugs* I'll have to catch you on IRC when my own sleep cycle gets better; I've been holing up with Final Fantasy X-2 and trying to ignore the world. That'll all stop abruptly on the Solstice when school starts, though.

[kiya]

I suspect "history of migraine" counts as "potential for siezure disorder", given that migraine and epilepsy are linked. (One of the best ways of triggering one of mine without putting me in certain forms of consistent stress is a strobe.)

I was wondering why you haven't been on IRC. I've pinged your nick occasionally to see if it works. :} Have a nice FFX2.

[ardaniel]

Yeah, I've been getting up at frickin' 2pm and arriving on IRC in time to watch you go to Games Night or other. ;) Tomorrow should be better, Chad goes to work at noon and that usually pries me out of bed earlier.

Plus, I have to go dig things up in the Bikanel Desert until my *head explodes.* :)

[erispope.livejournal.com]

Not as much as you might think. I have a problem with migraines, have been on Wellbutrin on and off for at least about five years now, no seizure problems. My understanding is that those tend to crop up far more at the very high end of the therapeutic dose level. It's not an SSRI, so there generally aren't weird side effects on the libido end.

Speaking of migraine and anti-depressant - there's one out there that actually works the other way - effective for treating and preventing both. Elavil, I think it's called.

[pinkpolarity.livejournal.com]

however, if you're fond of your coffee/ Internet/ crack cocaine addiction, get ready to hand it to the coat-check girl and get it back when you get off the meds, because Wellbutrin makes all of that sort of thing just stop dead in its tracks

Okay, I'm massively curious as to what you mean in this sentence. My husband is on Wellbutrin, and his computer-game addiction hasn't changed one whit.

[ardaniel]

When I was on it, I couldn't even sit at the computer for more than 45 minutes at a go; I'd start thinking of other stuff I could be doing, all of which was infinitely more appealing. My ex-GF went from four cups of coffee a day to "Coffee? Bleah. I don't need it."

It's also marketed as Zyban, for people to quit smoking.

[pinkpolarity.livejournal.com]

Wow. I guess Robert is the exception-- now *why* doesn't that surprise me? ;) He still goes hours and hours playing his computer games, and all of his other semi-compulsions are completely unchanged (he's been on Wellbutrin about a year and a half, I think.)

[pinkpolarity.livejournal.com]

*general careful hugs*

A couple of potentially-useful suggestions for you. First, the antidepressant thing. If you'd like, I can discuss the sexual effects both of the ones I've been on (prozac for depression after my father died, and celexa for migraine) and the ones Rob has been on (prozac and Wellbutrin) via email-- don't know what your TMI threshold is, so I'm not going to do it unless requested. Wellbutrin has been the least side-effecty for him.

As for counseling, I'm not sure what coping mechanisms with talking to strangers work for you. I personally found it very difficult to call strangers and say "hi, my doctor said I need to get therapy for depression"-- for some reason it felt like a weakness, that I couldn't deal with the grief on my own. For me it helped to make a standard list of questions and interview the potential therapist much like you'd interview someone for employment, and it was particularly helpful to include a question about their experience level and philosophy with treating adults with depression (insert your situation here). You'll spend hours talking to them, you have the right to have them spend 10 minutes talking to you on the phone first. I also find it helpful to have specific goals that the therapy should meet, and to discuss them with the therapist at the first meeting-- I didn't do this and I wish I had. My last experience with counseling wasn't *bad*, but was annoying in the level of side-trackedness it developed, I felt like I was spending a lot of money to talk in circles.

I have a few thoughts about learning to drive, as I took driver-ed in HS and failed the test, had pretty much your reaction to the class, and didn't get the opportunity to try again until I turned 26. Picking the right person to teach you is *really important.* They need to be calm and to respect your learning process. If you say "I'm not ready to try this yet", they need to be able to respect that, but also push you just enough past your immediate comfort zone so that you actually start learning. My husband was actually pretty good at this. Look for a big-box store or shopping mall with a giant parking lot, and go slightly after closing (Sunday early evenings are very good for this). Don't push yourself, you may need a couple of sessions just spent sitting in the driver's seat and getting used to the controls. But the big lots are great for driving around verrrrrrrry slowly without having to worry about avoiding people. It took a good two years before I was really ready to negotiate the Beltway, and there are still things I Just Don't Deal Well With (hello, Jersey walls!). BTW, if you don't do this well already, learn to read maps. They're your best friend when it comes to being a novice driver in an aggressive-driving area, you can plot your course ahead of time to avoid stress-inducing roads (like the $^#%#$@#$ traffic circles in DC) and put a sticky with your course on the dashboard.

[meranthi.livejournal.com]

Look for a big-box store or shopping mall with a giant parking lot, and go slightly after closi

Local high school parking lots during the summer is also a good place to go. If they have them...

Sympathies

[shana.livejournal.com]

A good counselor is important. Remember that you are trying them out, like a pair of shoes, so if you are not comfortable with them, try someone else.

When I realized that I wasn't coming out of my 9/11 depression, I did some research. It was a mild depression, and the antidepressents I read about seemed like overkill. I decided to try St. John's Wort, because it can be helpful in mild to moderate depression. It did work for me. And my doctor agreed that it was unlikely to hurt. And it seems to have fewer side effects.

Don't take Ambien as a sleeping pill. It can have nasty mental side effects, and not all doctors believe in them. I would suggest melatonin -- especially if you are taking nsaids, because they deplete normal melatonin levels.

My brother teaches philosophy at U. Mass Boston and Suffolk University. I know they are on the T because HE doesn't have a car...

Re: Sympathies

[pinkpolarity.livejournal.com]

Don't take Ambien as a sleeping pill. It can have nasty mental side effects

Would you elaborate on the mental side effects? I take Ambien, but then, I'm on so darned many things that if there were mental side effects, I wouldn't know which drug to attribute them to.

Re: Sympathies

[shana.livejournal.com]

Well, one aquaintance of our family woke up in Tokyo with no memory of getting there -- and he's still missing time.

Hallucinations are another. We are still dealing with the aftermath of my father's reaction. And the psychiatrist at the hospital said, "I take Ambien, and give it to my patients, and I've never heard of this reaction..." They list it in the PDR, for goodness sake. It may be fine for most people. But it can be VERY bad.

[jenett]

First, I really want to know what it is about this year that is causing it to be so miserable for so many people. Just saying.

On the driving thing, so there with the "It's Boston, of course it's nervewracking." I had really good luck with one of the driving teachers who specifically advertised as being focused on a) adults learning to drive and b) people who were really nervous about it. It helped me a lot. (Call and ask them some questions about what that means in practice, but we started out slow and simple and only moved up to places with actual people around after I felt ok with it.

The other real reason to talk to a driving school is that they have a good idea which testing centers are likely not to be horribly miserable for you - which ones have sane test routes, decent testers, etc. because they see them a lot.

On the rest of it, I wish you lots of luck finding someone suitable, and such. One thing you might poke at is that I know for birth control pills, they have little books that doctors sometimes have that say things like "Ok, you've tried X, and are not entirely happy with side effects A and B, but find that it's being effective and working well for you in ways X and Y." and there are little charts that suggest which medications from there will be the best fit.

Not ideal, because you've still got to go through a round or two of figuring out which one is suitable - but it can greatly simplify the process.

One other thing to poke at if the vitamins aren't working - it's also possible that they're not working *enough*, and that there's still some form of remaining deficiency (or defiency aggravated by other stress/etc. in your life) and that resolving that might potentially help out a lot without other meds. Don't know, and don't know how easy it is to test for that, but if you find a sane doctor and say "B vitamins have helped, they are no longer helping enough, even missing a day makes a huge difference", that may be a critical point.

I also suspect there are probably schools of psych stuff (as in approaches) which would work better and worse both for oyu and the current problem set. I don't have an immediate answer for how to figure out which that might be (which would narrow down your searching perhaps) but it might be worth poking at.

Regardless of the rest of this - thinking of you a lot, wanting you better, and if there's anything I can do to help from over here, please let me know?

[jenett]

Oh! Other thing.

If you have not already talked to at least some people in the Feri stuff about what's going on in your head, I strongly encourage it.

Speaking as someone currently in both student mode and sometimes teacher mode with this stuff, it is so much easier on both sides of the equation when the teachers have some clue what's going on in your head. It may be someone can suggest some alternatives or options that would help out, or can help you sort through some of it or have some suggestions on where to look.

(aka: Why, yes, I did dump a bunch of stuff on my teachers in group leader's meeting last Tuesday, and it helped.)

[kiya]

I'm trying to work out how to have a conversation with yezida about it, whether I want to email her privately or on the class list or talk when we have our next class gathering. So yeah, I'm on that, kinda, in a sort of "Uhhh, now what?" sort of way.

[sashajwolf.livejournal.com]

So sorry that sanity is being so effortful at the moment. As you say, it's difficult to see how to apply leverage from the outside, but since I do believe in prayer, I will :-)

[meranthi.livejournal.com]

Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help. The Year of the Meltdown (tm) and the next couple were bad ones for me, though the depression was on the mild side. But I understand about the not sleeping and inability to cope. *HUG*

[blackthornglade.livejournal.com]

http://www.bannon.com/kap/

That's a site for Kink Aware Professionals. While not specifically associated with poly, the professionals are open enough to accept BDSM...I'm quite certain they'll be open enough to deal with the poly aspect of things in most cases.

[whispercricket]

1) Poly counselor - I highly suggest (if you're able) to talk to rigel, because I'm pretty sure she has one, and if she doesn't, she probably can help you find one more easily (she is one herself, but she's not in private practice). If you don't feel up to talking to her directly (I actually have no idea if you know her or not), I could do it, or one of the other people you know who know her.

Finding a counselor is tough - I've tried to do it a few times (the first one spectacularly failed, but I was about 8 at the time and mostly grew out of what was dysfunctional then), and referrals in the area can really help.

I think it's really important that you're saying that you actually want help for this, as that's a big step, and there's nothing wrong with saying that you need help and want it from someone who's actually practiced at it. My view also (as a completely untrained person) is that fixing chemical imbalances through drugs, etc. can be required, but if you get that without having someone help you actually deal with the outside influences through normal counselling, then you're only getting help with part of it.

[At one point, I went extremely emotional two months in a row before getting my period, and I looked at it and said, "Well, I just went on a generic medication instead of my normal - is it messing with my head?" And I couldn't tell because there were external things going on that were also screwing up my emotions, so I went one more month, and there were no external factors and I didn't go emotionally unstable. External and internal both affect stability.]

2) Driving: When I learned how to drive, I was absolutely terrified to go on the highway, to the point that my driver's ed instructor said that I should call him back in a few months when I was ready (my dad ended up teaching me how to do it). You can start with the little bits, like parking lots and quiet side streets, and quieter small highways (far away from Boston :) ) - I don't know what the requirements are to get a learner's permit around here, but hopefully they'll let practice by yourself first (and you're not likely to get pulled over by a cop in a neighborhood). Knowing where you live, for your early practices, it would probably be much easier in an area without major cross streets.

If you were serious when you said you wanted to learn a stickshift first, I actually need to relearn how to use a stick, and arawen probably can be persuaded to offer his car and expertise, as he was the one who taught me the basics in the first place years ago.

For the rest of the stuff: [makes incoherent mumblings of support, with something about sobbing or screaming not always derailing conversations, and something about masks being useful because they help you function externally, but sometimes getting in the way.]

[kaifu.livejournal.com]

Please also let me know if there's anything I can help with beyond continuing to slog through making comments on your writing for you. Despite feeling immensely overscheduled this summer already, I do in fact have a number of weekdays totally free of any commitment, and if having someone come by and visit would help I'd be happy to. If having someone come by and visit would make things worse, feel free to say so - I don't want to add stress!

[undauntra.livejournal.com]

Regarding antidepressants:

You may want to ask whatever psychiatrist you end up with about MAOIs. They're not very popular, because they can have bad physical side effects. (See below: the blood pressure thing is the big one.) However, they seem to have fewer bad mental side effects than SSRIs do.

Personally, I've had good experiences with MAOIs, because I'm a good fit for the side effects. See, the more common side effects are elevated blood pressure and weight gain. I have normally low blood pressure (80/55) and run the ragged edge of being underweight. There are a lot of dietary restrictions with MAOIs, but about 75% of it boils down to "avoid dairy and booze" and I'm lactose intolerant and none too fond of drinking. If your your body is similar to mine, you might be a good candidate.

Dr. Alexander Bodkin at McLean is very good. He dealt pretty well with me being poly and didn't consider it a problem, even though it was outside of his experience. McLean is bus-accessible if you catch the 73 out of Harvard and go to the end of the line.

[keshwyn]

MAOIs are good - but given your diet, I'm not sure they'd work for you. You'd have to contemplate giving up some other things - when my mom went on them (and is still on them, and they still work for her 20 years later) she had to give up very aged cheese, and wine.

Having seen you have your lunch consist of cheddar and bread...

It also means you can't take Sudafed anymore, or for that matter, most over-the-counter allergy and cold meds. They're contraindicted for MAOIs.

I would offer to teach you to drive, but the only car I have is a stickshift, and if you're nervous about driving, learning on a stickshift is -not- the way to go. (Nervous stickshift drivers pop the clutch, which leads to more nervousness as the car bangs back and forth and stalls. At least, that's what happened to me on my driving exam... :})

[kiya]

Unfortunately, I suspect "avoid dairy" is completely unworkable, since that's a significant chunk of my diet.

[aquaeri.livejournal.com]

I'm another who was rather freaked-out at the thought that I might need medication for my mental state. The first several things I tried, the side effects out-weighed the benefits, but apparently this is not uncommon, so you need to find a shrink who is willing to listen to you, and whether you are comfortable with this particular drug or not.

And it's not just that there are so many side effects, the specifics of the side effects seem to vary. "Sexual dysfunction"; "drowsiness"; "nausea" - these can be quite different experiences and some might be much more liveable-with (for you) than others.

On the other hand, when they work, they work. If you've been taking one of these meds for a month and you're wondering vaguely if there's an improvement, this isn't the right drug for you. They can really pull you out of that hole. They don't fix anything at all, they just give you enough impetus to figure out what you were doing in that hole, how you can avoid falling down it again, and whether you might be able to fill the hole in a bit.

To the extent that I've overcome my doubts about anti-depressants, it's that I recognise that they aren't magic pills, or instant solutions, but they're a prop to get you into a state where you can work on real (slow) solutions.

[marykaykare.livejournal.com]

As you many know Bob, I take anti-depressants myself. SSRIs, selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors, are the most commonly prescribed psych meds these days because they work best for most people. And they do what your B vitamins do. They correct a glitch in the way the brain regulates serotonin so that more is available for the all important task of properly transmitting things from one neuron to another. This corrects all sorts of unpleasantness like depression, anxiety, OCD, PMS.

There are currently lots of horrendous stories about side-effects, particularly emotional ones because people like to hear sensational shit, and because any breakthrough med will be misused and misprescribed. I have some physical side effects from them but the only emotional/mental one is that I feel a hell of a lot better. Emotional side effects seem to be most common among children and teen-agers. The only common sexual side effect I know of is lessening of libido. This may or may not be problemmatic depending on how long you need to stay on it and how you and your partners handle that.

The physical side effects I've experienced include dry mouth, excessive sweating, and tinnitus. All a hell of a lot better than being non-functional.

Feel free to email me or IM me or whatever if you have questions or if I can help in any way.

MKK

Part 1

[artan]

(since this is covers many things it seems to require a multi-part response, so I'll break to topics (and apparently multiple posts, as it triples the comment size limit))

On psych-meds:
I can't give first-hand usage experience (not for lack of trying on the part of my mother who had a brief you-need-prozac! run) but I've seen lots of people on lots of different things, both very useful and very problematic. From that I've mostly been able to deduce what you already know - different things work differently for different people depending on how your brain parses reactionary stimuli. At least now there are mostly easily available websites describing what things are supposed to do and how they function. If you find someone to prescribe things try keeping a journal of effects, it will help if you run into meds that don't work well or have conflicts/side effects. The question is more what you intend to get out of them. Are you looking for a long-term medication solution for chemical stability or just something to bring you to a stable functional level in order to face down some other issues and bring things into focus (whether short-term means 6 months or 6 years who knows)?

On vitamins, movement & chemical stability
I've noticed that overall there are certain levels of physical movement that are basicly required in order to have the energy to do anything. (at least, most of this is from my perspective but is likely applicable) Once off the movement habit it immediately becomes more difficult to do anything because on some level it registers as work to get up to get lunch, another thing that must be done on the already overwhelming list. The problem is of course beginning some kind of movement/exercise when in the state of depressive lethargy. I'm not particularly good at that jump myself so there's little I can say. The only way it seems to work for me is if I can get the voice screaming to get up and do something to drown out the voice that says that it's ok to sit down for a few minutes. It's sort of a cycle though - it works better when founded on chemical stability (proper vitamin base and stable blood sugar levels) and falls off if that isn't maintained, but the movement itself develops a habit leading into holding the pattern of vitamin/sugars balance. Exercise can be as simple as clearing a path and walking circles around the house for half hour (I'm hoping your hip is overall in better condition, but since it hasn't been mentioned as problematic and you seemed to be walking without difficulty I'm guessing it is). It's also the kind of thing that if properly constructed can be done as a devotional or meditative action, which helps by focusing the energy of the physical into mental/spiritual work. Like I said though, this is just something I tend to need but fall off of too often. Hopefully there's something there you can use... Of course another thing that I forget to do for myself - movement helps sometimes with holding back panic when it's just on the edge of breaking. When there's the desperate need of something-to-do but too many things-to-do on the list, just walking helps with centering and fills the biological do-something need, even if not marking off tasks.

Part 2

[artan]

On Councilors
I can't say as much here, except maybe to email rigel, who I remember journaling at one point about having a poly-friendly councilor who was vaguely T-accessible (but I think that was in Cambridge, so maybe less useful? that will depend on your tolerance for traveling distance)

On Vitamins vs. Drugs
the concept of psychiatric medication terrifies me irrationally</>
Yeah, I know that one... One of the big reasons I always flat out refused to take psych meds (besides the feeling that I had situational and discipline problems which did not need medication but rather proper instruction on how to deal with them) was the fear of losing my Self. Years later (and from a somewhat more detached perspective) I can see it as all just biochemistry. Vitamins are required for proper nutrition so that communication pathways work and the brain remains in balance, but what if the imbalance is something not covered by basic vitamins (high or low seratonin levels for example)? In that case any chemical which balances the system to a level of better (where better is a rather subjective term based on the situational desires of the one imbibing said chemical) functionality is the effective parallel of taking vitamins. Yes, certain drugs don't get along with certain people, yes, too strong a dose will do more harm than good. Too many B vitamins will result in some serious adverse reactions as well. Balance of chemistry... Of course better knowledge of a given drug's chemical pathways will help the rational voice in its arguments but that would have to wait until a given one is actually suggested. Also there's the practical/irrational side - if it works the way you want, use it.

On Learning to Drive
I'd like to help with this (as in actively instruct) but I don't think that I have the time/mental faculties/openings on my to-do list. I taught several people to drive long ago, so it's not a hard thing. What exactly have been the conditions of your learning to drive? I've found that the best place to start and familarize yourself with a vehicle is school parking lots at 3am. Once you can zip around those without problems then you can move onto streets at 3am. Once you're comfortable navigating there it's more of a conceptual translation to heavier traffic. When I learned to drive I also learned directly on a stick shift. I actually found that it helped - more things to focus on on a mechanical side brought up the get-it-to-work mentality rather than being concerned about fear or worry. The offer for instruction will stand once I finish with house painting and some other things (august/september?). whispercricket also wanted to learn to drive standard properly, so potentially conjoined lessons (or not if that would be more distracting/stressful). Driver's ed would also likely be a necessity, but a varied perspective on things sometimes helps (plus, most driving teachers aren't willing to do night classes when no one is around).

On College Courses
Little I can offer here except something that I've been wanting to poke around at for a long time and never seem to get to. Have you looked into MIT Open CourseWare? More study-at-home self-paced stuff, so not too obligatorily stressful.

Part 3

[artan]

On House Repairs
I will be able to help with basement demo some time after finishing house painting (as that's my current mind-breaking project that I'm afraid to start). Hopefully that will be some time in July. Just let me know. As for cleaning in prep, big plastic crates hold books well (though get heavy) but don't stack too high (not designed to hold 6 other 120lb crates on top of them...). With proper labeling they're good storage for the books that are unlikely to be referenced any time soon but you still want to be able to find. They're also then prepackaged for the eventual move without having to stress about it. I'd like to recommend a competent electrician but he lives in Billerica, so I'm not sure that he'd travel there. Our other electrician seems to have fallen from existence and liscencing...

On Sleep
I've found for me at least that lots of the whole sleep thing is pattern and mind. If I develop and hold a pattern (something I can NEVER do) then it works and I fell better and am less depressed and preoccupied with the annoyance of personal weakness (which in turn contributes to not sleeping well, etc.). Exercise helps maintain a balance in the physical. There's also the option of sleeping pills. I haven't used them or had any direct experience with anyone who has (thus would have to push caution in the consideration of use), though I've considered for a pattern-building tool. It might help just to force yourself into a pattern that you can use and get you rested enough to have the mental faculties to deal with other stuff. The fear there is psychological dependence or biochemical conflict. It's probably a talk-with-your-doctor item but as they're sold OTC they shouldn't be too bad for occasional, informed use with caution.

Part 4

[artan]

On Sanity
I likely made a poor choice of words. I realized that soon after it had been said, but I felt the need to say something and the thought wasn't quite fully formulated. I think it's coagulated a bit more, enough at least that I can squeeze it into something resembling a recognizable shape, but still missing the detail I'm trying to convey. So:

Sanity exists on many levels as both a subjective an objective state. There's the persistent question of how sane it truly is to be well-adjusted to a mad world. From that perspective I'd say that most of society doesn't qualify as fully sane. From their perspective they are though, because they have something important.

On the surface people are categorized as sane if they can function when they need to and get by. I think that's the upper layer of what I was trying to convey - you left the house, you came, you talked with people. We know you're having a tough time of it at the moment but that step, the getting out and holding things together for a few hours, is part of objective sanity. It's what allows people to function in the world. If you can hold onto that it's the foundation for rebuilding whatever else you need. It will allow you to go the places you need to go, do the things that need doing and as long as that can hold the other softer bits inside can see a few small successes and have a base of some small confidence to build on.

The problem with that form of objective functional sanity is that it's a hard shell. Everything inside can be scrambled and shattered but no one may notice if the shell is hard enough, the jokes fast enough and the patterns of expectations are detached and followed without caring about how things look inside. It is both the beginning foundation of further development and the preventive enclosure that many people never get beyond.

Being able to write all of what you did is a form of sanity. You're weren't twitching on the floor. You could create and follow strings of thought, even if there were sometimes too many or too fast and some got lost. The jello didn't eat the cat and then morph into Orson Wells, who absolutely insisted that the Boston Symphony Orchestra convert to a full coconut ensemble. You're more sane than you think. Your mind makes internal sense and in most situations can be understood externally by others, though context is sometimes required. (context is always required for language since each person's language is an independently evolved symbology system, but that's a different topic) You're just trying to deal with everything all at once, so its becoming an emotionally jumbled battleground. You recognize stability issues. Recognition of internal problems is a form of sanity.

Re: Part 4

[artan]

The problem with hard objective sanity in the broad sense of society is that many people become walled up in it, blocking off even their own sense of what they are and how they function to focus solely on the doing-in-the-world, the saneness of their sanity so to speak (meta-sanity? I'm looping on things and don't have the right words, hence the two word crunchiness of yesterday). You're willing to face your subjective sanity, to realize that you have issues that you want to deal with rather than running from them. It's a big step, a stable decision, though likely to be difficult due to the very nature of the problems to be faced.

Still though, the ability to analyze ones own problems, to recognize the weaknesses and the strengths, this is a very sane thing to be able to do, but with borders on the edge of madness. There's the problem of getting absorbed in the meta-function, analyzing the motivations of your motivations forever. At some point it just breaks down to manipulation of functional symbol. A thing has meaning or need before being fully deconstructed and can be manipulated on that level. Understanding the basis of the symbol gives more power in its control but doesn't invalidate the upper layers of function. Analyzing down too far begins detaching too far from the problem and the symbols for those levels don't have the same meaning anymore. The more detached mind will think in a different way than an irrational active mind. It can manipulate symbol and program but may not be able to understand what the other mind invests fully in it. (I think I've lost myself in meta-reference again, hence demonstrating the problem of what I'm trying to say, or something...)

Anyway, the main thing I was trying to say is: you're more sane than you think. The willingness to face fears (the willingness to WANT to face fears is a beginning. If you didn't want to face them I suspect that some of this wouldn't be coming up and you could happily slip into objective-sanity-shell without all the messy self-functioning analysis) is a strong, sane thing to do. It's the first step in solving a problem. The ability to summon up the objective-sanity shell long enough to function to get something done which is needed for overall mental health (subjective sanity? the squishy bits of personality functioning).

Maybe I didn't mean to say "Stay sane". Maybe I did, but the moment is passed and I just don't know anymore. It can't be changed but only interpreted as memory and moved from. Maybe I meant to say "be sane", or more constructively, "be brave". Who knows. What I was trying to convey somewhere was that you've better than you give yourself credit for: braver, saner, stronger. There's just the hurdles of time, fear, and persistence. Things don't change instantly even in the mind (though we sometimes think that they do... but guess what's telling us that.) so obviously they can't change instantly in the rest of the world.

Re: Part 4

[artan]

You seem to know what you need to do to start moving, so it's a question of motivation/desire/Will and then maintaining some momentum. You're capable of putting on the outer shell of sanity when necessary, so that's enough to get you through the 5 minute calls to psych offices or the T-ride to places you need to be as long as you can compartmentalize for the necessary time without succumbing to being unable to release it when needed. The multiplicity might be able to help (I can semi-relate to that as I tend to be good at compartmentalization and process isolation when necessary, but I really don't have the direct perspective so that might be completely off) if you can move yourself to a point where it's possible to swap drivers for completion of tasks (rationality/practicality for setting up/getting to councilor but switch to the more emotional/communicative when actually there so that some of the problems can actually be reached?). I don't know if that works though of if you'd have trouble relinquishing a paradigm once in place.

Again, all of this is purely interpretation and will mean something entirely different to you (everyone really, as language is subjective communication). Many of the words are missing or jumbled or confused somewhere in the course of writing them down but hopefully something helps. Let me know if anything else would.

*hug*

(ok, so this was huge and potentially only semi-coherent...)

Re: Part 1

[whispercricket]

A quick addendum to this:
There was a study (not the best link, sorry) that showed exercise to be as effective at treating (moderate) depression as SSRI drugs (I believe they used Zoloft, not sure). Would it help you feel better? I have no idea (I'm sure it doesn't always work, as there are many different types of issues lumped into the single descriptor "depression"), but if your body is up to it, it might be something to try.

There have been times where I just wanted to scream at the world, or hit someone at work, or break down into a mess, and I left and went to the gym and used the elliptical machine as hard and as fast as I could, sort of outputting the internal scream into an external focus, and it helped me cope. Sometimes there can be so much frustration and energy bottled up inside, storming around and around, and it's hard to figure out how to get it out, but if it doesn't come out, things could explode. [I don't know if this applies to how you're feeling or not - if it doesn't, I'm sorry.]

[mindways]

*hugs*

There are many things swarming around in my head that I want to say, much of it advice-type-stuff, which isn't always what's needed, though I'll include it anyway just in case it helps. (If not, do ignore it.)

But aside from all of that: *hugs*, and well-wishes, and let-me-know-if-I-can-helps, and more *hugs* and grounding and care.

*caringhugs*

------------------------------------

Thought #1: When I learned to drive, I had an easier time of it because I'd played driving video games. It pre-conditioned a lot of basic reflexes like "when I turn this wheel left, my view goes left" and stuff. (In fact, it was a bit eerie.) It's nowhere near as immersive, of course; no idea if that's a plus or a minus.

Thought #2: If a cathedral is missing a stone in one of its arches (or heck, even an entire arch), and that makes the whole structure shakier, filling that small but structurally important gap with a stone of more modern cut does not diminish the magnificence of the stained glass windows, the nave, the structure as a whole, etc.

Thought #3: Among those folks I know who've gone on antidepressant meds...generally, for those meds they tried but didn't stick with:

a. More often than not, they didn't stick with a med because it wasn't terribly effective for them, not because of the side effects;
b. When there were side-effects, they were not the whole gamut of what was listed on the label;
c. When the side-effects were a real problem, they were generally able to tell that relatively quickly and move on to try a different med.

Thought #4: Sometimes, the sobbing and screaming is more important than the conversation. Even at Game Night, I suspect that most people would be discomfited only because they'd want to help, but wouldn't know if there was anything they could do to help, and would want to express that support, but not want to intrude.

Thought #5: Yes, you hide it fairly well - had I not already known something of your state of mind, last night I would have thought that you seemed quiet, and...objective? Not the right word, but 'withdrawn' is even less right. Like you were holding yourself a bit apart, but still watching and interacting despite that distance? (Still not quite right, but closer.) Anyhow, I'd have been able to tell that things were likely not ideal, but would have not come anywhere near realizing the extent of what you're going through.

Thought #5a: I am very glad you talk about what's going on within your head in your journal.

*hugs*

Big Tall Person Hugs!

[the-real-diana.livejournal.com]

I'm kind of dealing with similar "life plans" issues- and I have officially printed college and graduate degrees- having the degrees didn't all of a sudden make me feel more sucessful- I still don't know what the heck I'm doing, and my grades in college and forced choice of college I feel is still holding me back. I've only managed to stay in jobs for about a year before I either hate the job or I don't mind the job but it ends. I guess I just always try to keep moving so I have less time to think about it- I know that sounds counterproductive, but when I'm working all the time I just get absorbed into the job and kind of ignore the other stuff or maybe see it in a new way. I think setting up something regular outside the house would be a good idea. I know going to classes helped me, I made some friends and got involved in more things outside the house.

My dad didn't learn to drive until he was about 51 (and I was 11)- so you're way ahead of him. Maybe this is why no one's driving scares me. :)

Maybe I'm cracked, but it sounds to me that many of your worries come from what you think other people will think of you- your dad, your significant others, some parts of society... These people will still care about you no matter what you decide to do and no matter how much time it takes you to confront your demons. And those that don't honestly don't matter anyway. Do what you need to do in the time it takes to do it- everyone will support you in any way they can.

Man, I wish I was there to help you start your business- I have all this business knowledge and nowhere to dump it. I think it would be a really fun and awesome project.

Oh man, I totally know that having your house be messed up is very disconcerting. It does wear on you mentally- once things are done in your house I think you will feel a bit more rested and secure.

Oh yeah, and Paxil made me barf for 3 days, melatonin made me think the world was ending tomorrow- that's all my experience with drugs- but who's to say that it will be yours...

I totally miss you and I wish I was there to help out- or at least be big and able to give out hugs.

[linenoise.livejournal.com]

And I find it tremendously difficult to talk to people about it without going detached and cracking jokes about it, because otherwise I'll start sobbing and screaming and that really derails a fucking conversation, you know? Also, highly developed junior high school survival instincts: never let them see the belly or the limp, because people are hyenas. The hardest thing to put down is a shield you no longer need and all like that there.

Seebling! *shakes head wryly*

Not a terribly useful pattern, I find. Doesn't help me to stop doing it, of course. Earlier in the semester, I found myself straining mightily to hold back tears *in therapy*. This is where is supposed to be safe, no? And yet I still with the blocking.

I dunno. I think that meltdowns are sometimes indicated. Better meltdown than blow up?

On meds:
I've tried like fourfive different SSRI things now. Near as I can tell, my body hates the entire class. The last round, Lexapro, I managed to have side effects that made me stop taking them, and then I had a fairly strong *withdrawal* reaction, despite never having had any positive, noticable, theraputic benefit.

About a month ago, I talked to the doc and got a scrip for Wellbutrin, but then everything went wacky, and it never got filled. I actually had completely forgotten, and I need to yell at my mom when she gets home, because the ball was in her court last I knew.

Tried vitamins, mostly on your recommendation. Tried St. John's. No discernable effect, really.

Exercise helps. When I can get past the depression long enough to drag myself to the place where the exercise occurs. Circular logic.

This is one of the areas where I manifest pretty strongly extrovert. One of the best things that can be done for my mental state is going out and doing something. Being with people. Loud music. Etc. Energy begets energy. But again, circular logic. I can't go make energy that way, because I don't have enough to get started with.

I can't say anything meaningful on sex and relationship, because I don't have any. More's the pity.

I offer you hugs and hot chocolate. Choklit makes everything better.

One of the things I found most helpful when I was at my lowest points was finding someone that I trusted to listen to me, and then falling apart on them. Holding together is a great deal of *work*. Maintaining all those defenses is draining. Letting go of all that is difficult, scary, and very, very messy. But it gives all those muscles some rest, for a while, when you don't have to hold up the walls.

.... Yeah. I guess that's all I've got. I hope some of it is useful.