Been a while since we did just straight religious noodle.

[kiya]

I don't know that I . . . iTunes is messing me about again . . . have much noodle to say, though.

I have both preachermanfeed and correction_feed on my readlist. Interesting watching other people on their journeys in service to the divine. Both have shared their doubts, their fears, their occasional inability to face their god. It's . . . oddly strengthening, even though their faiths and their paths are not mine.

I've spent all my life without ambition, without that particular sort of focus. (When I was discussing this with teinedreugan, he asked about the writing; the writing isn't an ambition. It would be neat to be published, to have my stories out there, my worlds, but I write because that's what I do, not because I have goalstate on it.) We'd been feeling the . . . lack, I guess, for a while. Not sure what the words I want here are, a great deal of it's coming out of the Nameless, not anyone who has words of their own.

Now They have things for me to have as goals. Hooks, y'know? Ways of catching the mind, shift the focus.

I don't know if these are my goals, if I can adopt them, if I can make them my own. I don't know if I'm strong enough for these things, I don't know if I'm able to handle them. (And I get "Would we ask if you weren't capable?" and "Don't worry, kid, you'll grow into it.") I don't know if I can make these things mine, anything other than a burden laid upon me, another expectation to fail at.

Is this an angel or a demon that I wrestle at the ford?

I'm hounded by jackals. (Ha.)

Addendum: I hit 'post' and iTunes starts up "Rolling Home". Thanks a heap, Mom.

Comments

[artan]

I read the last bit as:

Is this an angel or a demon that I wrestle at the fnord?

Goals are a tricky thing. I've been musing over mine for some time. The best I've come up with is to progress through any slowly, and try to change none before it is ready and begins sliding into potential. It's the only thing that's kept me sane (as I have previoulsy lapsed to depressions over lack of instant results (mind-state can change faster than the rest of the world, I still often have difficulty in figuring out why the world can't adjust as quickly)).

[kiya]

We're all about the Illuminatus! lately, aren't we.


I find that I know my way, find my way, spend a lot of time staring at the way, research the way all to hell, and when I find I've done the research, I suddenly realise that I'm on the way without ever choosing to be there.

Life is . . . interesting that way.