My brain is a melted slagheap.

[kiya]

I've written six words. This is a feathered accomplishment.


I am, nominally and distantly, aware that some fragment of my state of mind is logically being influenced by the portions of my hormone cycle that make me about as stable as a house of cards being assembled on a dryer in spin cycle, but that isn't especially useful, now, is it?

"Hey, self, in two or three days you may have enough clarity of mind to figure out how utterly fractured your brain is and how much effort it will take to fix it. Hang in there while your mind disintegrates into whirling fragments and congeals in random cycles many of which leave fragments on the table like the stereotypical attempt to reassemble a complicated mechanical device."

That was a tortured statement.

I'm emotionally spasmodic. Sometimes . . . we're fine. Not great, but there's nothing terribly wrong. Most of the time, we're null; Jade's up a lot these days, for safekeeping. And then there are the times when it's hard to hear anything but the grinding itch of the pressure behind my eyes.

So cold. Don't know how to trust where the warmth is; it goes out so easily. So cold, and I just want to sleep.

If I sleep for a long time will it be better when I wake up? How long does it have to be? (Kira sings, "Through this bitter bitter cold," and I want to know how long it is until spring.)


[ Filtered mostly through Frost for language generation purposes except for the bits that aren't. ]
[ It's not LJ without contextless angst. ]

Comments

[the-real-diana.livejournal.com]

I love you no matter what mood you're in! They're you're moods and they make you who you are, and without them you probably wouldn't be the creative genius that you are.

[mindways]

*hugs*

[diony.livejournal.com]

The back of my brain understands this better than the front, and even though we're strangers I wanted to tell you that I hear you and I sympathise and I also empathise. You were one of the people I had marked to read on Usenet because your posts were always so interesting, and I'm delighted to find you here, and delighted in a sort of anxious way to find out that we have something in common.

Oh, words words words. But do hang in there; it'll pass.

[kiya]

Plural stuff, I'm gathering from previous comment? (Anxious way?)

I hope it passes. It's got a distinct known cause, at least, though that doesn't actually help unless the distinct known cause can be fixed.

[diony.livejournal.com]

Indeed, the plural stuff; for ourselves we tend to use the term multiple, since 'multiple people in one body' has a pleasing sound to us. Sorry if I was being a bit oblique; I'm still trying to figure out how to talk about it -- and thus the anxiety. It's strange; I'm extremely out in my day to day life, even at my job, but I haven't figured out how to be out in my livejournal yet. I suspect it's the combination of admired strangers & high school friends reading that makes it so difficult. Taking the plunge & commenting honestly in your journal seems to have been a fine first step, however.

I hope it has passed by now -- I suppose I might find out when I catch up on my reading list!

[kiya]

It's an interesting sort of thing to come out about. I spent most of my life thinking of myself as singlet, and finding the inaccuracies in that model has been . . . illuminating. I wrestled a good bit with how 'out' I wanted to be, and sort of settled on 'talking about it when it's relevant and treating it as entirely normal'.

There are a couple of multiplicity communities on LJ if that's your thing.