[ feri ] Message I just sent to my training group

[kiya]

Today's amusing paradox that I am sitting with:

In order to maintain my power and selfhood as a Feri witch in training, I need to withdraw myself from training as a Feri witch for a while.

I am approaching seven and a half months pregnant. The birthing class I am taking has me focused entirely on complexes around pregnancy, childbirth, and the care of my baby; it has specific tools for that, many of which I am finding very Feri, but that work is tight within this egg of impending motherhood. This is my work at the moment, my calling, the place of my Self.

My psychic senses are painfully sensitive, making every little thing that might disrupt my nest or my child's development a spike of awareness that I need to negotiate around. It feels like going out without my skin on, all the intensity of everything turned up _so loud_, as if to remind me that birth in a state of alignment with nature is frequently a matter of finding somewhere dark and warm and safe and secure and encourage me to go there with every moment.

I am, like Bilbo Baggins, perhaps a bit of butter spread over too much bread, overstretched with trying to do too much. This is not respectful of Karina as a teacher; this is also not respectful of _myself_. My power is here, centered in my belly, and I need to keep it here rather than giving it away -- including giving it away to my desire for training. The desire will be there still when I am again able to pursue it without subordinating myself to the skills and insights that I want. What I *am* now is becoming-a-mother, and I need to be there and not all over the place.

This is my paradox. I knew that this time would come; I did not know what form it would take before recently, and it has taken me a while to wrestle the paradox into a form I could name and sit with. The clear next step in my personal Feri path is to take a step back. As paradoxes go, I find this one kind of delightful.

I wish everyone well, and I hope you all have an excellent next weekend.

Senebty (good health)
Blessed be,

Kiya.