The long-delayed training baby post

[kiya]

For the longest time, the more plausible the concept of having children in the imaginable near future (as opposed to the imaginable far future, in which all things are not only possible but easy and a pony too) got, the more agitated I got about it. I knew I wanted to have children, but the actual practicalities of the thing was completely outside of my scope of comprehension.

Then I started reading wiredferret's livejournal, while she was in the process of research and development for offspring. And she wrote, regularly, tremendous quantities of research about the medical processes and her condition; she wrote about experiences and worries and noted triumphs. And I felt better: someone I knew had been through this, there was a sense of the knowledge in community.

I didn't grow up with the knowledge in community. I was the training baby for my neighborhood -- all the other kids on the street were at least three years younger than I. The parents all about my parents' age, with a few grandparent-age families there, their own children grown and moved away and only around for visits. (I adopted some of them as extra grandparents, actually.) But the knowledge of how human families build from the ground up wasn't there; the community had three heirarchies of ages, and by the time I was old enough to learn about how young children were taken care of and retain any of the knowledge, there were no more young children. The closest I got was taking care of one of the youngest to the extent of watching her, playing with her, and keeping her from wandering into dangerous areas of the house while her mother (a freelance graphic designer working at home) worked, and calling upon said mother for anything that required knowledge.

A few more people I knew started in on that R&D process -- mostly folks I know from alt.poly, like porcinea and ailbhe -- and the sense that the whole pregnancy thing was something that was plausible, that happened to people I knew, increased. As well as my sense that my community has, historically, been pretty broken, that I didn't have any of that to work with before.

Then meranthi became a tremendous local pioneer, as she and thastygliax became the first of my immediate local community to start towards parenthood. (And I've mentioned to her before, and I will mention again, that I'm really grateful for this, because being the first in the community is scary. ;) ) Which meant observing the process in a different way than reading wiredferret's detailed reportage could do.

And then seeing how this local community reacts. Seeing that meranthi and thastygliax can still come and spend time with people at games night and continue on with having a life that isn't entirely isolated from the rest of us. Seeing that people -- including myself -- are willing to help look after baby, hold her and sing to her and play with her and keep her from eating the ethernet cables, that the job of taking care of her does spread around at least a little. Learning some of the hands-on baby-care things from people who have at least a little more knowledge than I do, and learning that it's possible to know them. And knowing that I don't want to have children outside a community that's willing to do that much, and knowing that that community exists, that's worth so much to me.

I want my family all together, not stretched out over distances and stress. But I have an extended family too, and it's here, and I'm a crazy auntie twice over (once even in a way that most folks would recognise as a family tie), and it's not that scary anymore. Because there's the meshwork, the interlacings of community, the knowledge of the structure of ma'at underlying and knowing of family, of community, of strength.

I'm not alone. It's vastly reassuring to know that I'm not alone, that there are others before me, there will be others after me, there are others around me. It's vastly reassuring to have a home and a community. To know that when the time is right and my family is near me, that I will not be left alone, that my children will have crazy auncles, aunties, uncles, spare parents . . .

Ma'at is the principle that gathers people together into communities.

Bugger the nuclear family. Give me enough real people to be safe and not go insane.

Comments

[ailbhe]

If Rob and I were truly a nuclear family, we couldn't cope in a zillion years or more. We have a lot of help.

[setasplace.livejournal.com]

::sigh:: Ma'at...Yes, Ma'at. ~ Seta

[meranthi.livejournal.com]

Bugger the nuclear family. Give me enough real people to be safe and not go insane.


I can't imagine doing this without my "family" around. It would be unbearably lonely...

[thastygliax.livejournal.com]

Same here. I'm not sure we *could* do this without that support group. Thankfully, we don't have to find out.

[kalmn.livejournal.com]

pardon if this is a rude question, but are you thinking about a small human breeding program sometime soon then, yourself?

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Well... it is hard to raise children without a community or extended family. We have had minimal or no support from either a community or relatives (our nearest live 2k miles away), and had special-needs kids. It only works at all because patgreene opted to become a stay-at-home parent, ten years ago.

When things have gotten stressed... lacking help or support, the end result has been breakdowns for Pat and hospital stays. And flying in blood relatives as a last resort...

It sounds like you are far better positioned right now in terms of both family and community/network support -- but also consider temporal stability.

[oldsma.livejournal.com]

It is absolutely clear that the human baby was not engineered as a component of a two-parent-no-one-else family. It is also absolutely clear that there is a good reason that wise women are traditionally either sworn celibate or past child-rearing.

So let it be the big landscape it wants to be and move through it according to the seasons of your life. That is what works.

MAO

[mindways]

Bugger the nuclear family. Give me enough real people to be safe and not go insane.

Hear, hear!!!

Seeing that people -- including myself -- are willing to help look after baby, hold her and sing to her and play with her and keep her from eating the ethernet cables, that the job of taking care of her does spread around at least a little.

I have the feeling this will dilute at least a little bit once there are more babies around, both due to the (Adult Attention / BabyCount) ratio and due to slightly less novelty.

But yes, it's nice to see. Yay extended family! :)

[kiya]

For loose values of "soon". Not imminent, but it's sort of entering into "this is the right time for this sort of thing" within a few years.

It takes a fandom...

[anu3bis.livejournal.com]

Heck yeah! When Viv and I have a kid, the one thing we _can't_ be is the cool aunt and uncle who brings them perspective of what life is like outside the immediate family. We have to be the parents. But from seeing our community, I know the kid won't lack for cool influences.

[wiredferret.livejournal.com]

I'm really glad that I wasn't just bloviating, that I was actually saying useful things.

That said, I wouldn't want to try to do this without family and community, but even knowing that I have that, I have still felt more alone than I ever had in my life. More scared. More responsible. More frustrated. More dangerous.

Also, of course, happier, more content, more centered, more important.

But sometimes, in the small hours, you will be more alone with a baby on your lap than you have ever been when it's just you.

Also, find a good grandma-figure. I call my mom once or twice a week for moral support.

[the-real-diana.livejournal.com]

That is the most beautiful thing I ever read. That is the kind of environment I always dreamed about growing up in, even before I even understood how to put it into words. I never really had any of what you describe growing up, and I think I would have been a way more well adjusted person if I had. (In addition to probably being able to write more coherent sentences- bleech.) My parents were pretty hermit-like and we tended to live in neighborhoods where the people shunned things that were out of the ordinary, and our family was, without a doubt, out of the ordinary.

I think that is awesome that you are thinking about all of these things. I had just resigned myself that I wouldn't have any children b/c I didn't want them to go through the Hell that I went through, but if you have a community that is truly supporting you then the whole growing up experience for the parent and child can be truly awesome. You've definitely made me think more along those lines. Unfortunately, right now I don't have that kind of support that is close by, instead, it's scattered around the country. So maybe if the conditions are right in the future, such as the way you describe (apparently, I have to move to Boston, with both you and Aga there!), I would give it serious consideration.

BTW, you and your partner are definitely people we need more of in this world. If I do end up being in your neck of the woods in the future, I'll be happy to help out with a positive community if you decide to have little Buddha looking persons.