I learned a thing

Context: So over the summer I had three guitar lessons cancelled due to various people being out of town, and had rescheduled them into weeks where I had guitar lessons already, so I took them as voice lessons. We are now moving to alternating guitar and voice lessons. (My music teacher is a one-enby band [teacher]: teaching guitar, bass guitar, drum, and voice.)


So the other day I had, for one reason or another that I have forgotten, to shout something to someone in the driveway (it might just have been a "thank you" to a package delivery or something) and, as always when that happens, spent the next ten minutes feeling very "ugh I hate my voice" about it. More specifically I hate my voice when I'm raised or yelling or shouting it is too high and it makes me intensely dysphoric and uuuuuggggggggh.

Anyway.

Today I had my last makeup voice lesson, which means next week regular time is guitar and two weeks out regular time is voice and we proceed from here. And we are working on my mixed voice, and me trying to be conscious about things like larynx position and so on all of which has me going "I have never in my life consciously thought about what I'm doing with my throat muscles" and such.

And one of the things he said about how to structure the positioning of everything for a belt is "think about, like, yelling to a friend across a field".

And I went oh. Shit. This part is hard because this is a thing I actively avoid doing all the time because this is where my voice dysphoria is. (So I told them that, and we are working on how to get through the 'the technique for this is a Problem for me because reasons'.)

But. I swap straight from chest voice into head voice and have never trained my mixed voice because my mixed voice is where my vocal dysphoria is. Shit. Okay.

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