Mrgh.

[kiya]

In a really complicated state of mind and body with dealing with surges of complicated dysphoria and also I have been coughing (particularly at night) for a while now and I'm terrified of having pneumonia again and ...

... why are bodies so hard?

I have this story that I tried to write for DPDSF that fell a bit flat and part of it was because I tried not to make it too angry or too dysphoric (partly because that made it go over wordcount and everyone's wordcount limits are too short, argh) and I think I'm going to try writing it again angry and dysphoric and see whether it works better.

Also I have an opening line of "There was never any hope for me" and I don't know whether it's a story or an autobiographical rant to send to my senator.

I'm seesawing between being basically okay and wrestling with this brainshattering internal existential nightmarespace and it's sort of superimposed waveforms and it's nearly impossible to make mouthwords go about any of that and I don't know if that's cowardice or autism. (Seriously, mouthwords are so hard why do people expect mouthwords fuck I'm crying from the stress of contemplating why the hell do people expect mouthwords to happen about hard things and so maybe that's ... nobody's even asking, anyway. Of course that's because I CANNOT MOUTHWORDS about the things that are upsetting me so nobody fucking knows there's anything to ask about. And now there's the 'do I delete this whole bit because it's passive-aggressive or at least someone will declare that it's passive-aggressive' bit and have I mentioned that it is FUCKING EXHAUSTING to manage all these fucking neurotypical expectations all the time and be told that it's me who makes it weird and I have to be notweird to be acceptable and that DOES NOT MAKE MOUTHWORDS EASIER, FOLKS.)

I'm really tired, y'all.

I haven't been able to work on the novel in over a month, because I'm too tired. Just. There's this bit inside my emotional functionality that feels Thanos-snapped and I can carry on just fine without it aside from the crumbling to dust bits that hey, maybe I wasn't using them for anything important. Like writing that book.

Mouthwords are hard.