Music and miscellanea

Went with miscellaneous folk to see October Project this evening. (This was summarised as "teinedreugan and his local women." Heh.) Then spent some time with arawen which led teinedreugan to comment on his habits of overhearing as we were leaving TI.

But music ... the music I need to comment on, in a meta way; I was watching the keyboardist in particular a lot, because he reminded me of video of my singing as a child. There's this way of settling into the music, murmuring the words even if one isn't singing them, the shift of the shoulders into the rhythm, that artless knowledge of the music's patterns in raw body language.

I miss that sometimes, because even when I slide towards it these days, I'm aware of my doing it. I wonder what people are seeing when they watch me, so I can only truly approach it alone, as an act of transcendence, an act of worship perhaps: only able to loose myself into the music and move with it as it wants when there can be no aspect of performance, only myself and the music and really, really, only the music.

I don't know where the words are, just the shape of things, the way I miss the place of ecstasy I used to know. Hamartia. Loss of the Black Heart, perhaps, striking me in a strange way as an adult, missing the artlessness in the knowledge of music as an art. I need to find a way to just be in the music, even if there are others there -- even if I want to know how my being so appears to them. It's there, just out of my grasp, and I have been there, so I can return to the beginning, to Zep Tepi, and be there again.

Dua Ihy! Dua Hetharu!