I probably ought to write all this stuff down.

[kiya]

I've got way too much stuff in my head. And I'm in a state of not-quite-able-to-cope such that I've gone hypersomnic, not quite for depression, but because the less time I'm conscious the less I have to spend on trying to deal with the stuff in my head. It's probably still depression, but it's less bleak than the usual kind, at least.

I talked with teinedreugan about a lot of it, and it helped some, but I still need to write it all down and . . . stuff.

I'm sure part of it is project letdown. I was working on The Devil's Due pretty consistently for almost exactly a year, and then I was done with it, and I have that sort of psychological missed-the-top-step feeling. It's not there for me to structure my life around anymore. I've picked up work on Otter's as-yet-untitled thing, and have been poking at worldbuilding and some of my basic character developing tricks and the like, but it doesn't have momentum yet, and while I have the narrating voice, I don't really have a handle on him as a character. I think I have a name; I think it's Mark, Marco, Marcus, or some similar derivative. I need to rummage through my Dictionary of Saints.

Some of it is responsibilities stress. Things that I need to do, like this college application, but . . . where I was a few months ago, ready to go back to school, all set to knuckle down and do the application and go back to learning in a structured environment . . . I'm feeling like I'm not there anymore. I've fallen off, and I don't know how to get back. And I need to at least get the application done and stuff if it's going to happen, but . . . well, y'know, insert angst here.

I'm kinda dissociative in general. I'm having all kinds of things happening in parts of my brain, but they're not hooking up with stuff that's me. We've got contact with Stormy in some of the intellectual ends of things, but not with her able to take front. And I'm sort of in a state where I just want to get angry with something, directedly angry, and be able to break through my internal brokenness and weld all the loose ends together with fire, but . . . I don't have that. It's not available to me.

I've got some relationship-issues stuff that under other circumstances might have me that angry, but for the most part I just want to curl up in a little ball and hide because of it. And getting angry wouldn't help, anyway. I'm not going into a deep dark depressive loop because of it, but it feeds into the whole appeal of sleep as a way of not having to deal.

I have intermittent sex-dreams, the sorts of things that cause a fair amount of physical tension; I know the libido exists somewhere. I just can't find it. This is something I need to get fixed on a number of levels; it's making things complicated in my relationships, it's disrupting my general energy flow, the fact that the issue exists gives me secondary mental problems. I'm dithering about seeing a counsellor about this again, trying to see how much of it is biological (I think changing pill formulations helped, but it's also giving me acne again; if past track record holds, that should pass in a few months), how much is current-day psychological, and how much is left over from the assault.

I wound up talking a lot with teinedreugan the other day about responsibility and failure and broken things about that. There's another thing to do counselling for, to try to unsnarl the godawful mess of psychology there, the morass of "you can do better", "what you do is never good enough", "follow through and finish", "taking on a project means taking on responsibility for its success", "responsibility is heirarchy", "being in the heirarchy means one isn't allowed to let the system down by failing", and all the other crap that I'm saddled with that makes doing anything bloody horrifying to contemplate. I need to figure out how to go back to the beginning and proceed from the center, and . . . and.

I've got religious angst issues too, putting into this and tying in with the whole shebang. I unloaded on ibnfirnas last night, who is a godssend, and I'm not going to go into it in detail here. I feel like a Silent Strider right now, longing for home and unable to go there. And the road becomes my bride, eh wot? There's too much there for me to deal with just at the moment; I'm too lost in implications, and the desert goes on for a long, long time before it reaches the horizon. Sometime I'll write about home and faith, sometime I'm not so fucking frightened by it all.



And I'd post something to one of the snark communities about rejecting one mainstream component of "relationship" and being shocked! horrified! dismayed! by people who reject different ones, but the people who are s!h!d! read the relevant community and I'm not even in a state where I could get some decent outrage out of it, just . . . y'know, that curl up into a ball thing.

I need to go down to the beach one of these nights and have a long talk with Netjer. And I need to sort out Wep Rompet in my head. I'm not going to do the blind thing and say it'll all be better after Wep Ronpet because it fucking won't unless I get my head in order, but . . . ngah.

I'm going to go to sleep now. It's late. It won't be any better in the morning, but at least I'll have the intervening time of not thinking about it. With luck I won't have dreams that wake me up in tears; I still haven't figured the last one out.

Because the earth is standing still
And the truth becomes a lie
A choice profound is bittersweet
No one hears Cassandra cry . . .

Comments

[darkwolf58.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

It's that time of year. Wep Ronpet won't make everything better, but I get the feeling that it will make things clearer. The more work we do now, the better position we'll be in to great the coming dawn. I've been feeling restless lately, not wanderlust like I get in the fall, but a mental restlessness. I feel a bit - out of Ma'at I guess. I want to do something, but I'm to lazy to actually get up and DO.