I have a deadline.

Writing is hard.

I need a drink to write.

There are no glasses of the sort I would use usually at this time of day in the cabinet.

But the dishwasher is full.

So I'll empty the dishwasher.

(Commenting all the while about how hard I am working on the story.)

(Without displacement activity nothing would get done.)

The dishwasher is empty.

There were no glasses of the sort I would use in it.

I am confused.

I look more thoroughly in the cabinet.

I find one!

Now I have a drink....
kiya: (hawk)


( Sep. 10th, 2014 01:05 pm)
Pretty sure I'm sufficiently tired/ill/cross at reality that I shouldn't be allowed to do anything without adult supervision.

Unfortunately, I am that adult supervision.

(This thing where no matter when I go to sleep, I'm awake at four, toss and turn for two or three hours, doze, and then have to get up and mind the children most days - though I got to sleep in today, ish, moderated by the paranoid suspicion that someone was going to get me up ANY MINUTE NOW - is really sucking down my capacity to pretend to be amiable.)
kiya: (snug)
( Aug. 18th, 2014 07:05 pm)
The good: Arthur has come home. He is still frail, but has regained a little weight, and has a cornucopia of medications for the next few weeks. They want him back in for bloodwork in two weeks to see whether we can eliminate worst possibilities.

The bad: Attempting to leave the vet's I managed to shred one of the brand new tyres on the van.

The tired: Me.
kiya: (emotional issues)


( Jul. 6th, 2014 03:02 pm)
Head hurts. Gut rebellious. Hot flashes. Just what I needed.

Totally out of most forms of spoons.

Going to try to get something productive done while curled up in bed feeling sorry for myself.

(On the up side, did hilariously run into [livejournal.com profile] marphod yesterday, some ten years after I knew that he not only lived in the same area but had significant social group overlap....)
kiya: (computers)
( Jun. 28th, 2014 02:05 pm)
I seem to have a working computer again. Maybe.

But I cannot get any of my email. I cannot even get into webmail on the account I've had since 1999. The domain I pay for is mysteriously not doing email at the moment and I haven't had the spoons or time to try to tech support this and.

I am perhaps not entirely in my best functionality, as having everything I use for routine asynch communication out is not exactly unstressful.

Got two achievments in Banished while I was trying to patch my machine. Then had a meltdown.

Waiting for mail program to finish patching and maybe smething will work again. Maybe. Somewhere.
kiya: (hawk)
( Sep. 18th, 2013 04:30 pm)

(Where the fuck did you put the 'do not log me out all the damn time' clicky?)
kiya: (hawk)
( Jul. 17th, 2013 01:29 pm)
Hormone coating has significantly worn off IUD.

This does not reduce the level of "MY BODY IS DEFECTIVE" that I'm getting from being undermedicated for the Hashimoto's. At all.

I miss having my cyborg parts working properly. :P
kiya: (writing)
( Jun. 14th, 2013 05:46 pm)
I have so much stuff to write.

* Monstrous theology poem
* Auto-invocatory poetry
* Whatever other poetry I need for my homework
* Opening post for Patheos gig
* Possibly contribution to magic-and-disability antho Alas, book announcement, not CFS, but that's off my list at least.
* Elizabeth's piety survey
* Polytheistic ethnography survey
* Stuff
* Things

What have I successfully written? Fanfic for [livejournal.com profile] jenett.
kiya: (thyroid)
( May. 3rd, 2013 11:50 pm)
Using this page as a reference, hypothyroidism section:

Stuff I have known was part of hypothyroid conditions for some time that I have:
Brain fog
Low basal temperature
Cold hands/feet
Tendency to feel cold
Goiter/swollen thyroid gland
Brittle hair/nails

Stuff I'm not surprised by but which I hadn't been thinking about specifically as related:
Poor memory and concentration
Severe PMS symptoms
Long, heavy, brutal menstrual cycles
Dry skin
Allergies (immune disorders are more likely related than not)
(Putting 'migraine' here though I actually think that's not related since my triggers don't appear to be hormonal and I haven't been dealing with them often of late even though the immune condition is clearly worsening)

Stuff that I was kind of freaked out about that cleared up when I got on thyroid meds and thus appears related:
Lump in throat
Palpitations and other cardiac irregularities
(Fortunately these have not recurred because they terrified me in ways that I was completely incompetent to tell anyone about.)

Stuff I have learned is almost certainly linked to my version of the condition because it's coming back all at once after my nonconsensual medication change:
Muscle weakness and completely fucked endurance
Pain and stiffness in muscles or joints ESPECIALLY MY DAMN KNEES
Shortness of breath on exertion (not to mention the 'now I will sit down for an hour to recover' bit)
Breast tenderness
"Digestive disturbances", what a lovely euphemism
Stiff neck and shoulders (also stress-linked, so I will never be free of this one)
Irritability, though frankly with all this crap coming up again who wouldn't be cranky?

I think I will not have to Google "Hashimoto's [symptom]" now to see if it goes on this list. I think that is everything.

... I feel the need to set my mood to 'irritated', because irritated.

Fucking bingo.
kiya: (iodine)
( May. 1st, 2013 09:36 pm)
Perhaps the facts that 1) my knees have, after an uncertain amount of time in which they were not bothering me, once again become awful, 2) my bizarre acne patterns, which had cleared up, have returned, and 3) I am too tired to deal with anything ever, might possibly be related to the Epic Medication Dwamas that meant that I had to swap to a different brand.

(Knee problems: very common Hashimoto's symptom, at least according to the internet. YET ANOTHER MYSTERIOUS DISABILITY THING that boils down to the whole 'apparently I've been trying to kill myself for twenty years and I'm just bad at it, but not as bad as the medical system is at treating it' deal.)

Why do I not have a thyroid/Hashimoto's/whatever tag? This is a grievous failure of categorisation.

(ETA: Possibly also heartburn. I am wondering how many of my mysterious minor disabilities/physical inconveniences boil down to this damn thing, and how many I will be reminded of while I once again try to make my medication work for me.)
about the Kemetic religious community that makes me want to die quietly in my sleep.

Or possibly never post anywhere again.
kiya: (headdesk)
( Feb. 4th, 2013 11:25 pm)
There are times I really yearn for a broader religious community where I was not regularly driven to wanting to grab people, shake them, and shout "ENGLISH! DO YOU SPEAK IT!"
kiya: (headdesk)
( Sep. 11th, 2012 11:57 am)
My computer has been demolished by an Act Of Baby. (Limeade was involved, in quantity.) My data has all been backed up, but. I'm not actually stressed out about this so much as just really, really tired and a little frustrated by anxiety about getting things done since all my notes, the homework assignment from [livejournal.com profile] loveandpower, and related stuff are all fiddly to access at the moment....

I mean, it's not like I'm posting here anyway, so nobody would probably notice. But. :P
kiya: (hawk)
( Dec. 30th, 2011 11:32 am)
Horrible cold has turned into ear infection from hell.

So much pain.


Can't swallow without more pain.

kiya: (hawk)
( Dec. 24th, 2011 12:18 pm)
Time to argue with S2, which I've been actively avoiding for years, in order to make my comment pages stop hurting my eyes.

And then I'll see if I can make my pages look right again.
Sometimes that's more literal than others.

My skeleton is wrong. And by that I mean "more wrong than the usual parameters that are why I keep a cane around for emergencies and complain about my back".

For example: Half the time when I pick KJ up to put her on the diaper table, as I'm setting her down something goes out of alignment in my wrist with a horrifying sensation and sometimes pain. My right ankle has been on strike for the last few weeks, and sometimes the knee and hip join it in refusing to cross the picket lines. I had that awful rubber-band-spasm feeling in a wrist, too, which wound up with me putting it in an ineffectual brace for a couple of days. Back pain has congealed into a couple of immobile lumps up against my spine. On the up side, my shoulders don't appear to be any worse than usual, or perhaps it's just that my standards of comparison differ. While [livejournal.com profile] whispercricket was in the hospital I had several lengthy pontifications about the Hyperbole and a Half pain scale, which I have memorised the bottom half of. (Normal me is around 1-2 pretty constantly, I'm currently wandering between 3-5 reliably.)

Usually when I sleep I get a partial reset on things - I spend an hour or two after getting up with no more than a couple of minor sproings, which is within my scope of normal. And then I'll be doing something, and the ankle will go, on and off, getting worse over the course of the day, taking other things down with it; I'll change KJ and the wrist will spang unnervingly.... Basically, over the course of each day, it degenerates.

And over the course of each week, the curve also trends downwards.

There was a part of me that was sure this was a stress thing, from the moving and the disruption and the new baby and everything else, that it would get better when the stress did. And the stress is better, and I'm still getting worse. Which at least gets me to the emotional point of H&1/2 5 pretty reliably: Why is this happening to me??

I just had to haul KJ upstairs for a diaper change, and she wouldn't walk, so I had to pick her up, and I just had to ... stand there ... after I did so, to rebalance, and I got her up the stairs and half-collapsed at the top. She happily ran down to her room and flung herself on her bed as I got the stuff together for the diaper change, but [livejournal.com profile] whispercricket got [livejournal.com profile] teinedreugan to come upstairs because I couldn't pick the kid up to put her on the diaper table.

I'm actually kind of scared about this.
kiya: (snug)
( Jul. 9th, 2011 02:27 pm)
I haven't slept a wink
I'm so tired
My mind is on the blink
I wonder should I get up
And fix myself a drink
No no no....

I want my [livejournal.com profile] teinedreugan to come home.

I want the people to sell us their house.

I want a vacation.

100% of my cope is going into wrangling the KJ and getting the Traveler's Guide to the Duat polished up for publication (including getting the art done). I have fleeting moments of wanting to be or do something else, and then something happens to shipwreck them. Which mostly makes me want to just crawl into a little hole and shut everything else out for a while, since nothing is capable of going right.

At least this last week I've been sleeping a little better, probably due to getting a couple of medicinal stabbings from [livejournal.com profile] artan_eter. The previous two weeks I didn't sleep at all. I appear to be good for about as many hours of baby-care as I got sleep the previous night before I snap. This is not a good situation.

I am occasionally prone to mild understatement.

You say
I'm putting you on
But it's no joke
It's doing me harm
You know I can't sleep
I can't stop my brain
You know with three weeks
I'm going insane
I'd give you everything I got
For a little peace of mind
kiya: (fuzzy gears)
( Mar. 31st, 2011 12:53 pm)
I picked up a couple of books to do some research for the calendar portion of the OH project. One of them was a reprint of an article, which I thought was disappointing, but hey, it'd be a quick read ...

... it notes that the Medinet Habu calendars and the Edfu calendars have the Sothic rising in different months.

And while I'm dealing with the emotional fallout from this someone on TC posts a, "So does every pagan religion use the Wheel of the Year?" thread, to which I was tempted to reply "I WISH."

Fucking calendars, how do they work?

*chooses music semi-deliberately*
This one for Geb:

I fell from heaven,
My love,
And now can only reach and wish -
My every oak tree striving for her depths
My every mountain aching to stroke her starry skin
Each skyscraper and termite mound rising up
With the force of my desire.
I fell from heaven and lie spent
Surrounded by her luminous darkness.

Stashed here so I can keep track of it in the long run, more or less.

Aside from that: I did something godawful to my shoulder, which is just. Fucking. Fantastic. I hate taking painkillers; I took a full dose of Tylenol (I typically take a half dose) and thus am down to "only moderate pain" rather than "someone is trying to pry off my collarbone with a knife", and thus may be able to sleep. Maybe.

I wish I had the slightest idea what I did. I was sitting on the couch nursing KJ, and then I was in wailing agony, with no transition I could discern. And for once the pain wasn't that she was overnursing and my nipples were bruised. :P

Tomorrow's goal: find a sling for the arm, since supporting the weight of my own fucking arm causes agony.


kiya: (Default)


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