Trying to assemble my stuff for the last training weekend with yezida
. I am sort of in a mental tangle; I'm not sure where I want to pursue the Feri work beyond this point, aside from 'take another while to assimilate because it appears to take me about a year to process through each quarter and I'm running behind' and 'chase lore'. Been reading bits of Thorns of the Blood Rose
and contemplating; need to get more focused.
I have made one hell of a lot of pizza. Looking forward to trying the walnut-feta one.
Just ... too much stuff in my head. This has been an awfully weird, rough quarter, and good, and ... complicated. I kind of want to ruminate philosophically about it, but I don't really have anything articulate enough to do so. It's all in the Tomb of Birth, keeping silent.
I faced some demons this quarter that I've been running from all my life, and when I wrestled them at the ford, they turned out to be an angel, and gave me a blessing. I've wrestled with depression one whole hell of a lot, and the mud at that particular ford is slippery, but I know I've still got fight in me. I've poked and prodded at bits of inner strength (and had some fascinating Pentacle-related thoughts).
I joked, two years ago, that some people hit their Saturn return and go to grad school, or go on a six-month vacation, or have a nervous breakdown, or something, and I went into Feri training. I look at where I am now compared to where I was then, and ... I don't know if I achieved what I set out to do, really. I don't know if I'm any more together. I know I'm happier and stronger, at least, which is better, but I don't have much clearer sense of direction.
But perhaps I've got plenty of sense of direction already.
There are images in my head that I can't figure out how to write down. Not just the poem I've been wrestling with about fire and desire, but ...
... there's that place in the outer dark, not the lonely void, but my-god-it's-full-of-stars. That's where my head's at a lot these days, and why I've been so damn quiet. My god, my god, She's full of stars.