I saw the boy who lives in the mirror last night.

I had just gotten out of the shower -- I had been rinsing the dye out of my hair -- and my hair was pulled back and slicked, and the towel was wrapped tightly around my chest, and we spent a little bit staring at each other.

He looks more like my brother than I do. A little darker, a little more angular in the jaw, the sideburns a little thinner and fluffier, but I can see the facial structure around his eyes and recognise those cheekbones, the thick, bushy eyebrows, the underlying bone structure there.

He looked a little spooked to have been seen, as if I had exposed him unexpectedly, caught him with his pants down. Eventually we got used to each other, familiarised ourselves with our respective twin on the other side of the mirror.

I wonder if I go in there, if he'll be there, or if I'll just see me.


[ Please be advised that I did not select the music for this. It is, in fact, what started playing just as I started writing. ]

I was going to write dream notes, but I've lost them, alas. All I remember clearly is [livejournal.com profile] shaddragon pointing out that there was a supernova event visible to the naked eye on/in the world we were in at the time ... Well, that and a lot of near-identically named ninjas.
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kiya: (bad influence)
( Mar. 21st, 2006 01:33 am)
Back when I wrote my PantheaCon summary entry I indicated that I had acquired miscellaneous shirts that Certain People needed appreciating. I also suggested that I might perform photography of said things.

Various photos have been stuck in my All Drag gallery; a sample is behind the cut. )

New icon created in honor of [livejournal.com profile] arawen's mother.
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... but the velvet painter (who is going out of business and thus has all her stuff on sale) has resolved my what-shirt-for-the-Pomba problem. At, I would note, half price.

Because, y'know, the gorgeous sexy red shirt is exactly what the orixa ordered.

I expect Certain People to be very appreciative when I get home.

You hear me, Certain People?
Right. Spent chunks of the evening seriously overloading my cope. At one point, in the middle of a round of manic pacing, I threw the thought at the music list, "Okay, now what?" It responded by playing "Ground". Er, right, that would be a good idea. So I sat. ("Be still, though chaos reigns around you now".) And I did Ha prayer. ("Close your eyes. Try to breathe.") And I laughed at myself a bit.

Verdict on Nuit oil: It makes me smell like a girl. We are not certain about this. However, the mindwrench that it inflicts on me as a result of this is amusing to play with.

Meanwhile, commentary on the date, though not the day as I have not yet slept:

    Then Bridget she declared
    That she was not prepared
    To watch us dance to the tune of Elsie Marley
    She said I'll sing you all a song
    And you'll want to sing along
    If you listen to the wind that shakes the barley

    And the song that she sang
    Could be heard for miles around
    The air was full of harmony
    You should have heard the sound
    As we gathered up our differences
    And threw them in the air
    And gave them to the wind that shakes the barley


--"Harvest of the Moon", Steeleye Span
kiya: (scents)
( Jan. 13th, 2006 11:44 am)
I have now placed my first Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab order, in my ongoing tentative explorations of this whole being a girl thing.

I blame [livejournal.com profile] cangelo. I was successfully resisting the lure until you mentioned 13 at the training weekend, and curiosity ... rising .... ;)


[ I could dither about whether to post this with the 'scents' icon keyword or the 'inexplicable femme moments' keyword, but they go to the same userpic. I suppose I could do the bowerbird if I wanted to go the 'acquisitiveness' route, and there are blue bottles.... ]
kiya: (ma'at)
( Jul. 9th, 2004 11:07 pm)
Ht-Hrt and femininity. )
So a fair number of people are discussing gendering at the moment. Most of these people aren't actually people whose journals I read regularly, but a couple of people whose journals I do read regularly have been commenting upon same with occasional links back.

I have a weird sort of interaction with matters of gender.

On ap, the standard of politeness is to use 'zie' or other gender-neutral pronouns for folks who one's not aware of preference for. When this gets used on me, it drives me completely insane. I consider GNP useful for people whose gender is unknown, unspecified, or other; my gender is none of these. Being identified as a 'he' is several (perhaps five or six) orders of magnitude more accurate than being referred to as a 'zie'. It actually has components of 'true' to it.

Most of the time I'm comfortable accepting 'female' as a word that describes me. I can't say I identify as female; it isn't a matter that has that much sfik-value for me. I've always had the basic attitude-feeling that if I do it, it has to be the sort of thing that women do, more or less.

Except.

Except.

When I'm spending time with women -- with Earth-woman-gendered-women -- I often wind up feeling like I'm doing the whole woman thing somehow wrong.

(This thought comes out in pretty simple trigonometry; for those people who run screaming from mathematics, I apologise; I can't do it any better.)

Unit circle centered on the origin; X-axis female-ness, Y-axis maleness. I'm not on either of the axes; I'm up about thirty degrees or so. I have a distinct, specified, very clear gender, located somewhere about half root-3 X + .5 Y, and when I'm near women who're near 1 on X, I'm clearly not fulfilling what womanness is by comparison, because I've got an angle there that I'm taking the cosine of to get there. Unit length falls short.

My gender is not unknown, unspecified, or other; it's just . . . a bit irrational.

"She" is close enough for everyday use. Call it about 86.6% accurate.
kiya: (snug)
( Oct. 26th, 2003 01:58 am)
Dyeing hair now. I would note that hennaing my hair would be less perturbing to my sense of 'this makes sense as a thing to do' if it didn't, when all mixed up, look so much like brownie batter or possibly chocolate frosting. Of all the things to apply to my head . . . .

([livejournal.com profile] dirtydianadd: the hair dye tints my skin orange, but it washes away quickly. Is that close enough? ;) Actually, I was peering at my forehead while, er, frosting my head and it occurred to me that it's not bad as a fake suntan. Though rather more vibrant and alive than my usual vaguely green tones.)

Made a lunch date to talk with [livejournal.com profile] nex0s about Chiro's hair for the WIP. And get pho, probably, at the pho place with the bowls with the same volume as a cross-section of my midsection.

And to round out the femmitude and such, I've finished making that nice white dress (a few days ago); I need to test out the eye makeup stuff that I got while [livejournal.com profile] erispope was visiting and maybe get a good photograph in full Egyptiana getup.

In other notes, have repotted a couple of my new plants, and am pondering two new statues: Nebet-Het and Seth. I want to try to get Nebet-Het done before Samhain, since my spirit of perversity has dictated that as soon as I convert away from being Wiccanesque I should feel a need to celebrate it. (And given that two of my great-aunts died this week, I have spirits to gift during their seventy days.)
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kiya: (rune)
( Oct. 14th, 2003 03:58 pm)
Because I haven't written about anything since we went to the movies.

Saturday. )

Sunday. )

Monday. )

Still suffering from the d'waaaaanas. This may improve if I wind up feeling less vaguely icky.

Need to repot a plant. I think I'll do that now while I'm thinking of it.
Just wrote something elsewhere that I wanted to keep. (Context: calling people by their 'real names', which phrase I hate with the burning passion of a thousand suns.)

    The only purpose the legal name serves in my life is to fill out legal forms for people who have no need to know who I actually am and to receive checks. I'm not kidding when I say that I don't always remember to answer to it; it doesn't belong to anyone who lives here, it's just the address for the body. Calling me 'Heather' feels about as personal to me as calling me 'Lewis Street'.


You know, the more times I witness variants of this argument, the more appealing the concept of changing my name legally is. I could pick something that actually sounds like me to me and stop having quite so many, ". . . wait, was that directed at me?" moments. I even know what I'd do if I could be arsed doing it.

(Word count for today: 798, and that's section 40 and done. Yesterday's was 98 on 39, which finished it.)
kiya: (hawk)
( Sep. 18th, 2003 11:57 pm)
[ Note: if you think you know all of what's going into this, you're probably wrong. If you think you know some of what's going into this, you're probably right. ]

[ Note #2: This may not make much sense; part of the writing it is trying to work things out. I did some working-out talking to [livejournal.com profile] teinedreugan and later [livejournal.com profile] brooksmoses last night, but a lot of it's still under my tongue. ]

[ Note #3: I should add a wolf silhouette to my hawk icon. ]

All these damned monkeys frustrate me. )

    But we do not notice them even when they throw nuts and filth on our heads.

[ The Jungle Book, Rudyard Kipling ]
It's not done yet.

Arthur has continued to help -- see, he's minding the scissors for me. Lennon has also helped; he sat on the project briefly as was his catly duty, then stole my spool.
Arthur helping. )
But it does look pretty nice, even unfinished. )

The design is from this site -- see the thing in the sidebar labelled 'Draped dress New Kingdom'? That's it.

I don't think the cord I have tying it at the waist is really visible in the photo; it's there. I need to get a clasp for the top half of it, a brooch or pin, and then I'll be able to move my arms more freely without it falling off.

([livejournal.com profile] jikharra said I did a good display of how one shrugs out of a robe earlier, which I consider illustrative of this point.)
I'm asking [livejournal.com profile] erispope for girliness tips, and [livejournal.com profile] oneironaut is quoting poetry. (Poetry I introduced gtst to, mind, but gtst Doesn't Do poetry at all.)

Sewing project half-done, looks smashing already. Being harassed for photos by lecherous people who don't understand how hard it is to take a photograph of the clothes one's wearing.

listen;there's a hell
of a good universe next door;let's go
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[livejournal.com profile] autumnesquirrel just wrote to me to inform me that she had just watched the Muppets episode with Alice Cooper in, and that she has come to the conclusion that I look like Alice Cooper.

This will require eye makeup to test. Hey [livejournal.com profile] erispope, got any good suggestions? ;)

And I'm posting mostly because right after I explained this to [livejournal.com profile] oneironaut, well, the changer pulled a usual.
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